http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/education/31takaki.html
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/06/01/BA7B17T6TQ.DTL
Like many students at Berkeley, I first heard of Ron Takaki in my Asian Am 20A. Strangers From a Different Shore was one of the many books we were assigned to read but it was the book that had the biggest impact on my life. Two years later in my junior year of college, I had the honor of taking a small research seminar led by Professor Takaki. We met in a dark classroom in Wheeler Hall once a week. Creaky chairs, too small tables, dusty blackboards. The 15 or so of us, including Professor Takaki, sat in a small circle every class period sharing our research. Professor Takaki opened up the semester asking us his famous question, “How do you know you know what you know?” and we spent the first three weeks of the class sharing our epistemologies. Riveting to learn from him. Riveting to learn from each other.
Professor Takaki’s discussion of his epistemology deeply resonated with me and still does. I was moved to hear him share his experience entering academia, publishing his first book, and going home to Hawaii to his family. His uncle said to him, “Hey Ronnie, it’s good that you did all that but when are you going to write something for us? Something that we can read?” And that shaped the rest of his career as a historian, writer, researcher, and teacher. He told us this story at a time when I was struggling to reconcile my own identies as a student in Asian American Studies and as a daughter of Korean immigrants. Every time I went home to San Diego, I left something behind in Berkeley. Every time I left to Berkeley, I left something behind in San Diego. At that point it was something I had never talked about and instead struggled alone in this constricting binary paradigm.
But I digress.
Professor Takaki invited our class to his house for lunch. He took us on a tour of his study which was really a basement room with a bunch of filing cabinets. On top of the file cabinets you could see plaques and awards collecting dust. An after thought. He proudly showed us the paintings that he and his wife Carol made (I don’t remember what the style is called, one was a mallard duck though!). In the living room there sat a piano that was cluttered 40 photos or so of their children and grand children. The only thing that could make you think this man was a big deal was a picture of Professor Takaki and President Clinton taped to the wall. No frame. Just tape.
In that seminar, Professor Takaki was so supportive of me and my writing. Even though we were just undergrads, you could tell he really cared about our writing and storytelling. Out of his class came my paper Yuhl-Sheem, which is captured in this blog as a series (See Tag: Yuhl-Sheem).
In the past year I have thought a lot about Ron Takaki. He has been on my mind as I identified my dissertation topic and did some preliminary work in the spring semester. Even more so, in the past few months, I have come to a strong realization that Ron Takaki has influenced me beyond academia and into my work as an educational practitioner. The work I did in Richmond and the way in which I did my work was deeply rooted in working with my students to shape, name, and tell their stories as young folks who live on the margins and to find ways to develop fluency in multiple Discourses so that we may retell our powerful stories.
I was so saddened when I read about Ron Takaki’s passing. Short of breath when I read how he passed. I send my deepest condolences to his family and the thousands of other people who have been profoundly touched by his work and life.
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Thursday, October 19, 2006
i love my students
my students are encouraging and inspiring.
on monday, i did a thesis-statement writing workshop w/ my students. we identified different components of a thesis statement, looked at 3 examples of UC-personal statement thesis statements, dissected them, etc etc. my plan was for them to work individually and write a thesis statement for their personal statement draft. after 5 minutes of working, i could tell they were stuck so i asked them if they wanted to verbalize their thesis components (concession, assertion, reason, significance) to the group and work through them together.
it was amazing. yes, in the end they were able to accomplish the task, but in addition to that they were uplifting and validating each other.
example: rudolfo's writing about the accelerated math program he's taking advantage of. junior year, students cram through alg 2 in a semester and cram through Calc AB the spring semester. Senior year, students take calc BC as a year-long pace. the class of 2007 is the first class who is doing this. anyway, rudolfo has been really hesitant to write about this b/c he struggled through the class. he thought writing about the struggle would make him look "dumb". even after multiple conversations and drafts, i knew he still felt like it might not be the right topic. on monday, when he shared w/ the other kids his topic and working thesis he had the following:
concession: Math is my most difficult subject
assertion: I enrolled in an accelerated math program at my high school
Reason: I know that higher level math will prepare me from college.
Significance: BLANK.
my students always struggle at the significance. the so what? they hate that i always ask them, so what? why are you telling me this? what am i supposed to learn?
anyway, rudy started questioning the topic again and the significance. "did i really get anything out of it?" the other students started jumping writing it. "you totally need to write about that. out of everyone in the class you worked the hardest! remember how we all had mr. spear the year before and you were in mr. hunn's class? and mr. hunn didn't teach you anything? you were really behind. you stayed every evening working w/ mr spear to catch up. you missed all the club meetings b/c you were getting tutoring during lunch. remember when we visited so cal? you were the one that made us take our calc books so we could study in the hotel! you could have dropped the class but you didn't. you didn't give up. you ended up w/ an A-!" etc etc etc. Rudy's face totally lit up. these kids were repeating everything i had already pulled from up and reinforced, but it was different b/c it was coming from his friends, who according to him are the "smart" ones. and then he saw the significance of this-- not just that he went from a quarter grade of a D to an A, but that he didn't give up, he knew he had to ASK and SEEK support from his teacher and his classmates.
example two: Edgardo's worksheet had something like
concession: Richmond has a lot of social problems. There's a lot of poverty and hopelessness.
assertion: I started Y-ME? a club that helps our community
reason: b/c nobody is going to help us, we have to help ourselves. it's not fair that we live like this. most of us won't leave the city to go to college so people are suck here. anyway, people shouldn't have to leave their homes for a better life or a safer place to live.
significance: BLANK
Edgardo started talking about his passion for social justice and activism (he didn't use those words). he had a lot of reasons written and verbalized even more. he's a very silly and fun young man at times but also sometimes quiet, observant and introspective. as he kept talking about what why he started Y-ME? and he started talking about the community he got pretty emotional and started getting tears in his eyes. i think at first all the other kids didn't know how to react. i think maybe they were in a bit of disbelief. edgardo kept talking about how it's important for people inside and outside richmond to really think about what's going on and try to make a difference. then the other students started talking about the huge change the club has made on the campus and in the lives of the students in the club. "people care now b/c of you. people think they can actually do something and then they do it. you didn't even like talking in front of people but you started this club and you have to make the presentations and do the workshops and nobody can even tell that you're nervous. well we know, cuz we know you, but it doesn't seem like you're nervous. people are starting to change here and its because of you." edgardo didn't quite finish his thesis statement. we're working through a lot different topics. i'm trying to help him create a new outline that is more focused. right now it clearly demonstrates his passion through his words, but not through his actions. it's more "this is important because" not "b/c this is important, i did...." but no worries... it's a process. he'll finish.
although these examples may seem a bit small, to me they are HUGE. one of the biggest barriers of helping students write their uc personal statement is that they are asked to write about themselves-- their greatness and their contributions. they must showcase themselves. the students that i work with, who are primarily students of color, children of immigrants, and from working class families often come from a cultural background where you don't talk about all the great things you're doing, all the awards you've won. you refuse your compliments. you're brought up to think you shouldn't be proud of something you did, you're just doing what you needed to be doing. the college essay caters and thrives on a white middle class culture of entitlement, ownership, and perservation and adoration of self. it's so hard to get my students to "fake it" to write the statement. i know it feels so awkward, embarrassing, prideful, shameful to write about yourself in the way that basically declares, "HEY ADMISSIONS, I'M THE SHIT!!!!!" helping my students navigate that culture is very, very difficult. the beauty of monday was that the students affirmed each other. they have infinite confidence in each other. when they share their thoughts w/ each other and hear what other ppl think of them, they start to build the confidence that needs to come through in the essay. all of a sudden, it's not just me telling them that they are smart, resourceful, caring, leaders, etc etc but they're hearing from their friends. it is very beautiful.
p.s. sorry for the occassion posting. i've been very busy. i want to blog more often b/c its a way for me to preserve the happy things about work and life.... i still need to blog about the T4SJ conference.....
on monday, i did a thesis-statement writing workshop w/ my students. we identified different components of a thesis statement, looked at 3 examples of UC-personal statement thesis statements, dissected them, etc etc. my plan was for them to work individually and write a thesis statement for their personal statement draft. after 5 minutes of working, i could tell they were stuck so i asked them if they wanted to verbalize their thesis components (concession, assertion, reason, significance) to the group and work through them together.
it was amazing. yes, in the end they were able to accomplish the task, but in addition to that they were uplifting and validating each other.
example: rudolfo's writing about the accelerated math program he's taking advantage of. junior year, students cram through alg 2 in a semester and cram through Calc AB the spring semester. Senior year, students take calc BC as a year-long pace. the class of 2007 is the first class who is doing this. anyway, rudolfo has been really hesitant to write about this b/c he struggled through the class. he thought writing about the struggle would make him look "dumb". even after multiple conversations and drafts, i knew he still felt like it might not be the right topic. on monday, when he shared w/ the other kids his topic and working thesis he had the following:
concession: Math is my most difficult subject
assertion: I enrolled in an accelerated math program at my high school
Reason: I know that higher level math will prepare me from college.
Significance: BLANK.
my students always struggle at the significance. the so what? they hate that i always ask them, so what? why are you telling me this? what am i supposed to learn?
anyway, rudy started questioning the topic again and the significance. "did i really get anything out of it?" the other students started jumping writing it. "you totally need to write about that. out of everyone in the class you worked the hardest! remember how we all had mr. spear the year before and you were in mr. hunn's class? and mr. hunn didn't teach you anything? you were really behind. you stayed every evening working w/ mr spear to catch up. you missed all the club meetings b/c you were getting tutoring during lunch. remember when we visited so cal? you were the one that made us take our calc books so we could study in the hotel! you could have dropped the class but you didn't. you didn't give up. you ended up w/ an A-!" etc etc etc. Rudy's face totally lit up. these kids were repeating everything i had already pulled from up and reinforced, but it was different b/c it was coming from his friends, who according to him are the "smart" ones. and then he saw the significance of this-- not just that he went from a quarter grade of a D to an A, but that he didn't give up, he knew he had to ASK and SEEK support from his teacher and his classmates.
example two: Edgardo's worksheet had something like
concession: Richmond has a lot of social problems. There's a lot of poverty and hopelessness.
assertion: I started Y-ME? a club that helps our community
reason: b/c nobody is going to help us, we have to help ourselves. it's not fair that we live like this. most of us won't leave the city to go to college so people are suck here. anyway, people shouldn't have to leave their homes for a better life or a safer place to live.
significance: BLANK
Edgardo started talking about his passion for social justice and activism (he didn't use those words). he had a lot of reasons written and verbalized even more. he's a very silly and fun young man at times but also sometimes quiet, observant and introspective. as he kept talking about what why he started Y-ME? and he started talking about the community he got pretty emotional and started getting tears in his eyes. i think at first all the other kids didn't know how to react. i think maybe they were in a bit of disbelief. edgardo kept talking about how it's important for people inside and outside richmond to really think about what's going on and try to make a difference. then the other students started talking about the huge change the club has made on the campus and in the lives of the students in the club. "people care now b/c of you. people think they can actually do something and then they do it. you didn't even like talking in front of people but you started this club and you have to make the presentations and do the workshops and nobody can even tell that you're nervous. well we know, cuz we know you, but it doesn't seem like you're nervous. people are starting to change here and its because of you." edgardo didn't quite finish his thesis statement. we're working through a lot different topics. i'm trying to help him create a new outline that is more focused. right now it clearly demonstrates his passion through his words, but not through his actions. it's more "this is important because" not "b/c this is important, i did...." but no worries... it's a process. he'll finish.
although these examples may seem a bit small, to me they are HUGE. one of the biggest barriers of helping students write their uc personal statement is that they are asked to write about themselves-- their greatness and their contributions. they must showcase themselves. the students that i work with, who are primarily students of color, children of immigrants, and from working class families often come from a cultural background where you don't talk about all the great things you're doing, all the awards you've won. you refuse your compliments. you're brought up to think you shouldn't be proud of something you did, you're just doing what you needed to be doing. the college essay caters and thrives on a white middle class culture of entitlement, ownership, and perservation and adoration of self. it's so hard to get my students to "fake it" to write the statement. i know it feels so awkward, embarrassing, prideful, shameful to write about yourself in the way that basically declares, "HEY ADMISSIONS, I'M THE SHIT!!!!!" helping my students navigate that culture is very, very difficult. the beauty of monday was that the students affirmed each other. they have infinite confidence in each other. when they share their thoughts w/ each other and hear what other ppl think of them, they start to build the confidence that needs to come through in the essay. all of a sudden, it's not just me telling them that they are smart, resourceful, caring, leaders, etc etc but they're hearing from their friends. it is very beautiful.
p.s. sorry for the occassion posting. i've been very busy. i want to blog more often b/c its a way for me to preserve the happy things about work and life.... i still need to blog about the T4SJ conference.....
Thursday, September 07, 2006
today; tonight
the power of one supportive, dope ass person is amazing.
i started this day still feeling upset about all the stuff i blogged about last night. i fell asleep at 3 am, woke up at 7 for an 8:30 appointment at school #1 where all is well and the admin embrace me w/ open arms, went to school #2 w/ my supervisor. school #2 only had glowing remarks about me (which was extremely embarrassing b/c the nice words are undeserved). THEN we had to tell them that our program was leaving their school. that made the kind, undeserved words feel even worse to me. went to school #3, told them that we were no longer going to be working at the school but trying an out-of school model (internally meaning, we are slowly transitioning to drop your high school as a partner school), never made it to school #4, went back to the office and was swamped w/ work. all in all my work day sucked. i came home tired, numb, and still feeling unresolved from the night before. i got stuck in my bed.
then i get a call from my beautiful Romeo to get dinner. romeo is a dope ass educator and friend. his motivation, intention, passion, and work is solid. i take notes when we talk. there is not pretense with him at all. i am able to purge my guilt, check myself, bounce ideas, get feedback on my work and myself, be nakedly honest and vulnerable, be critically questioned and pushed to examine different lenses and be articulate, be inspired and encouraged, and give and receive good hugs. he gives me the space and permission to indulge in my self-discovering/ questioning/ processing shit and turns it into something that is reflective and helpful. i feel like romeo went into my head and sucked all the negativity, hesitation, and self-doubt out of my head. all happened in one leisurely meal at that!
i started this day still feeling upset about all the stuff i blogged about last night. i fell asleep at 3 am, woke up at 7 for an 8:30 appointment at school #1 where all is well and the admin embrace me w/ open arms, went to school #2 w/ my supervisor. school #2 only had glowing remarks about me (which was extremely embarrassing b/c the nice words are undeserved). THEN we had to tell them that our program was leaving their school. that made the kind, undeserved words feel even worse to me. went to school #3, told them that we were no longer going to be working at the school but trying an out-of school model (internally meaning, we are slowly transitioning to drop your high school as a partner school), never made it to school #4, went back to the office and was swamped w/ work. all in all my work day sucked. i came home tired, numb, and still feeling unresolved from the night before. i got stuck in my bed.
then i get a call from my beautiful Romeo to get dinner. romeo is a dope ass educator and friend. his motivation, intention, passion, and work is solid. i take notes when we talk. there is not pretense with him at all. i am able to purge my guilt, check myself, bounce ideas, get feedback on my work and myself, be nakedly honest and vulnerable, be critically questioned and pushed to examine different lenses and be articulate, be inspired and encouraged, and give and receive good hugs. he gives me the space and permission to indulge in my self-discovering/ questioning/ processing shit and turns it into something that is reflective and helpful. i feel like romeo went into my head and sucked all the negativity, hesitation, and self-doubt out of my head. all happened in one leisurely meal at that!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Breathe
disclaimer: this is me unloading about my job... sorry. it is also slightly incoherent.
right now at work i've been trying to get set up at my high schools. finding space, requesting transcripts, hiring interns, training interns, getting materials, planning, etc. i haven't even started working with my students yet and i'm pooped!
this will be my first year simply working. my first two years as a "professional" were shared with being a graduate student. although i was crazy and busy all the time, i cut myself some slack at my job and at school. i did the best that i could understand the circumstances i was presented. even though i think i did a pretty good job at both, i definitely have small regrets. being the perfectionist i am, i end up being really hard on myself. i think. (sometimes i think i'm hard on myself and other times people tell me, "um yeah, you think?") anyways, now that i'm "just" working, i have no excuses to not kickass at my job. that is very very scary.
most people know, i'm not too happy with my job. this year i'm trying to make my job more rewarding by creating opportunities for work that goes beyond the traditional scope of college access. one idea i have is this super-ambitious (but def kick ass) leadership retreat. will it be funded? maybe. right now i'm trying to make it fit into meeting our "goals" and our "outcomes." blech. even if it is funded a part of me thinks i shouldn't do it. i'm projecting a weekend in early January for the retreat. this means that college apps are dues Nov 30th so i would be doing college apps while i plan for this retreat, i would begin admissions "reading" first week of december (work 50 hour weeks through february), train my seniors in facilitation skills in december, take a small vacation in december, have the retreat january, start planning for southern california trip in mid-january. and all this time, still go to schools 4 days a week... i really want to do this retreat but know i will be super duper tired and worn out. why is it that when you come up w/ a good idea it just means more work? mediocrity is totally rewarded...
another thing i'm trying to do to make my job more rewarding is by recontextualizing my work into the larger history of public education. we had a training today w/ our interns and i did a facilitation on this topic. i def made some mistakes in my facilitation and need to improve on those skills but i feel like the interns were engaged, participated, learned some new information, and maybe felt a little bit more grounded in their work in education. they thought about how all of these court cases and propositions inform our work with students and schools. overall, it felt incredibly awkward doing this facilitation because it is atypical of our intern trainings-- our org definitely utilizes banking pedagogy and we RARELY talk about anything related to education that lives outside the realm of college access (even though its' def interconnected right?).
i felt nervous and scared because i took up all of this time doing something that is important to me, but i feel like is not valued in our program. i wasn't sure how the other staff would receive it. i felt like the interns were engaged but i couldn't read the professional staff. at some points i rushed and cut people off because it almost felt inappropriate to do this facilitation (even though it is DEF appropriate). its so interesting how your audience and place changes your facilitation. i feel comfortable as a facilitator in my undergrad/ grad classes, with my students at the schools but not with my coworkers. what sucks is that our director comes from a background of popular education. in her job now, she doesn't utilize that approach (i have no idea why). so today i had this paranoia that she was critiquing my approach, even though she never practices a similar method. in a nutshell? sometimes i feel suffocated at work. i feel myself becoming a drone and am trying to fight against it but am not sure the program and my coworkers have the capicity to support me in this. and i'm not sure i have the confidence, experience, or ability to change things.
which brings me onto my fledgling youth program... as of now, unnamed. this is my attempt to do something that i cannot do w/in the constraints of my job. so far? the only update i have is that we (me, plus 3 youth) have our first planning meeting on sunday!!!! yay!!! excited as i am, i'm superscared about this venture. i have no experience doing stuff like this... in fact, i'm so scared that i will probably never talk about this program again on my blog, for fear of public failure... i'm serioius.
so what is my point? why did i write this long, incoherent blog entry?
1. nothing in my life makes sense right now. thus i am incoherent.
2. i dont give myself time to reflect so i have to write it all out
3. it's my blog i can talk about whatever i want
CRAP! i'm a lefty so when i write w/ marker (like i did today) i get marker on my left hand. i just left a pink spot on my white laptop. ARGH !!!!!
oh yes. i'm also dealing with (ongoing ... for a very long time) trying to find a strong faith in God. i'm not going to blog about this. again, for fear of public failure. *sigh*
right now at work i've been trying to get set up at my high schools. finding space, requesting transcripts, hiring interns, training interns, getting materials, planning, etc. i haven't even started working with my students yet and i'm pooped!
this will be my first year simply working. my first two years as a "professional" were shared with being a graduate student. although i was crazy and busy all the time, i cut myself some slack at my job and at school. i did the best that i could understand the circumstances i was presented. even though i think i did a pretty good job at both, i definitely have small regrets. being the perfectionist i am, i end up being really hard on myself. i think. (sometimes i think i'm hard on myself and other times people tell me, "um yeah, you think?") anyways, now that i'm "just" working, i have no excuses to not kickass at my job. that is very very scary.
most people know, i'm not too happy with my job. this year i'm trying to make my job more rewarding by creating opportunities for work that goes beyond the traditional scope of college access. one idea i have is this super-ambitious (but def kick ass) leadership retreat. will it be funded? maybe. right now i'm trying to make it fit into meeting our "goals" and our "outcomes." blech. even if it is funded a part of me thinks i shouldn't do it. i'm projecting a weekend in early January for the retreat. this means that college apps are dues Nov 30th so i would be doing college apps while i plan for this retreat, i would begin admissions "reading" first week of december (work 50 hour weeks through february), train my seniors in facilitation skills in december, take a small vacation in december, have the retreat january, start planning for southern california trip in mid-january. and all this time, still go to schools 4 days a week... i really want to do this retreat but know i will be super duper tired and worn out. why is it that when you come up w/ a good idea it just means more work? mediocrity is totally rewarded...
another thing i'm trying to do to make my job more rewarding is by recontextualizing my work into the larger history of public education. we had a training today w/ our interns and i did a facilitation on this topic. i def made some mistakes in my facilitation and need to improve on those skills but i feel like the interns were engaged, participated, learned some new information, and maybe felt a little bit more grounded in their work in education. they thought about how all of these court cases and propositions inform our work with students and schools. overall, it felt incredibly awkward doing this facilitation because it is atypical of our intern trainings-- our org definitely utilizes banking pedagogy and we RARELY talk about anything related to education that lives outside the realm of college access (even though its' def interconnected right?).
i felt nervous and scared because i took up all of this time doing something that is important to me, but i feel like is not valued in our program. i wasn't sure how the other staff would receive it. i felt like the interns were engaged but i couldn't read the professional staff. at some points i rushed and cut people off because it almost felt inappropriate to do this facilitation (even though it is DEF appropriate). its so interesting how your audience and place changes your facilitation. i feel comfortable as a facilitator in my undergrad/ grad classes, with my students at the schools but not with my coworkers. what sucks is that our director comes from a background of popular education. in her job now, she doesn't utilize that approach (i have no idea why). so today i had this paranoia that she was critiquing my approach, even though she never practices a similar method. in a nutshell? sometimes i feel suffocated at work. i feel myself becoming a drone and am trying to fight against it but am not sure the program and my coworkers have the capicity to support me in this. and i'm not sure i have the confidence, experience, or ability to change things.
which brings me onto my fledgling youth program... as of now, unnamed. this is my attempt to do something that i cannot do w/in the constraints of my job. so far? the only update i have is that we (me, plus 3 youth) have our first planning meeting on sunday!!!! yay!!! excited as i am, i'm superscared about this venture. i have no experience doing stuff like this... in fact, i'm so scared that i will probably never talk about this program again on my blog, for fear of public failure... i'm serioius.
so what is my point? why did i write this long, incoherent blog entry?
1. nothing in my life makes sense right now. thus i am incoherent.
2. i dont give myself time to reflect so i have to write it all out
3. it's my blog i can talk about whatever i want
CRAP! i'm a lefty so when i write w/ marker (like i did today) i get marker on my left hand. i just left a pink spot on my white laptop. ARGH !!!!!
oh yes. i'm also dealing with (ongoing ... for a very long time) trying to find a strong faith in God. i'm not going to blog about this. again, for fear of public failure. *sigh*
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
resolution
i'm not one for new year's resolutions, but in light of all the happenings in my life (too many to name), i'm making an August resolution.
I resolve to keep my mind, body, and labor from being exploited by people (including myself)/ institutions that i love and hate.
"i'm not a rock; i'm just a pebble. "
so far, i have no action plan. but seriously, if you see me yielding too much to people, slap me hard.
I resolve to keep my mind, body, and labor from being exploited by people (including myself)/ institutions that i love and hate.
"i'm not a rock; i'm just a pebble. "
so far, i have no action plan. but seriously, if you see me yielding too much to people, slap me hard.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Addiction
A week ago I decided it was time for our relationship to end. Eight days later, I feel like shit.
As each day passes, it is harder and harder to wake up without you. Going to work every morning without the taste of you on my lips is hell. I won't lie, nothing can replace you. I try to satisfy myself with poor substitutes. My body and mind has shut down. It's so hard staying strong when I know that I can have you any time of the day. I must keep reminding myself that you are not for me. I was so dependent on you-- needing you at least once a day, sometimes I was so bad that I demanded you four times a day. *sigh* I swear to you Coffee, if I can hold out for another week, I know I will be through with you.
As each day passes, it is harder and harder to wake up without you. Going to work every morning without the taste of you on my lips is hell. I won't lie, nothing can replace you. I try to satisfy myself with poor substitutes. My body and mind has shut down. It's so hard staying strong when I know that I can have you any time of the day. I must keep reminding myself that you are not for me. I was so dependent on you-- needing you at least once a day, sometimes I was so bad that I demanded you four times a day. *sigh* I swear to you Coffee, if I can hold out for another week, I know I will be through with you.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Depression
I pray for strength, patience, diligence, love, compassion and wisdom.
Again.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”
To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.
In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.
Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.
Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.
A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.
Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.
Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).
-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.
-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).
-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.
- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.
Again.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”
To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.
In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.
Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.
Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.
A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.
Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.
Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).
-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.
-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).
-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.
- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
yuri k.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I feel like the past week has flown by in the blink of an eye.
Saturday we had our parent/ student orientation for our 6 week summer program. 200 kids plus their parents/ guardians/ siblings, plus 50+ summer staff. A while back, I wrote about meeting Yuri Kochiyama through my friend Aaron. Because of that meeting I was able to get Yuri to be our keynote speaker! Although I was very excited, I was also very scared. I had to introduce Yuri (scary b/c, well… she’s Yuri); I had to introduce her in front of 500 people (scary b/c I’m good at speaking to large groups on the fly, but not good speaking to large groups w/ prepared material); I’ve had a crazy cough for the last week (scary b/c I didn’t want to get into a coughing fit); and I wasn’t too sure what Yuri was going to talk about (scary b/c I work for a big university). Our keynote speakers have traditionally been professors or faculty and nobody I work w/ knew who Yuri was in the first place (after they read her bio, most people were excited). Anyway, I talked w/ Yuri probably once a week for the last month setting this up. I gave her a topic: the importance of education. I let her interpret this however she wanted. Two days before she went through her notes w/ me and everything sounded inspirational and relevant. On the day of she basically said everything she told me she was going to say. She talked about seeking truth, thinking critically, working together, returning to your community, learning from everyone, etc etc. Everything she said she was going to talk and also linked it to the war in Iraq and the Vietnam war. She talked war for about 15 minutes. Now this was unexpected. Call me a pansy, but I was little worried. Our program is in such a precarious position. We have no funding for next year; we are expected to boost the number of black students in our program w/out directly targeting black students (the outcome of working in educational outreach post-affirmative action); we had to turn away 200 students for our summer program and have a bunch of angry parents; and we also have some incompetent leaders who won’t stand up for our program in our unit, in the university, or in the UC system. So yeah… I was a little bit nervous.
BUT here is the beauty of a keynote speaker. You can’t ask someone to come speak and coach her/him. You can’t cut them off, your speaker is your guest. So then I could relax.
A beautiful moment? Yuri was talking about Helen Keller’s teacher Anne Sullivan but couldn’t remember her name. One of the parents yelled out “Anne Sullivan!” Yuri says, “Yes! Annie Sullivan! Thank you! What is your name? “ “My name is Daisy Bates—“ In unison Daisy and Yuri say, “You were/ I was named after civil rights activist Daisy Bates from Arkansas!” That was pretty cool… Well, who am I kidding? It was awesome to have Yuri come out and speak to our families.
In the end, there were some disgruntled parents (“Is everything in this program so political?” Sadly, no.) But overwhelmingly parents, staff, and students were touched by Yuri’s words.
Saturday we had our parent/ student orientation for our 6 week summer program. 200 kids plus their parents/ guardians/ siblings, plus 50+ summer staff. A while back, I wrote about meeting Yuri Kochiyama through my friend Aaron. Because of that meeting I was able to get Yuri to be our keynote speaker! Although I was very excited, I was also very scared. I had to introduce Yuri (scary b/c, well… she’s Yuri); I had to introduce her in front of 500 people (scary b/c I’m good at speaking to large groups on the fly, but not good speaking to large groups w/ prepared material); I’ve had a crazy cough for the last week (scary b/c I didn’t want to get into a coughing fit); and I wasn’t too sure what Yuri was going to talk about (scary b/c I work for a big university). Our keynote speakers have traditionally been professors or faculty and nobody I work w/ knew who Yuri was in the first place (after they read her bio, most people were excited). Anyway, I talked w/ Yuri probably once a week for the last month setting this up. I gave her a topic: the importance of education. I let her interpret this however she wanted. Two days before she went through her notes w/ me and everything sounded inspirational and relevant. On the day of she basically said everything she told me she was going to say. She talked about seeking truth, thinking critically, working together, returning to your community, learning from everyone, etc etc. Everything she said she was going to talk and also linked it to the war in Iraq and the Vietnam war. She talked war for about 15 minutes. Now this was unexpected. Call me a pansy, but I was little worried. Our program is in such a precarious position. We have no funding for next year; we are expected to boost the number of black students in our program w/out directly targeting black students (the outcome of working in educational outreach post-affirmative action); we had to turn away 200 students for our summer program and have a bunch of angry parents; and we also have some incompetent leaders who won’t stand up for our program in our unit, in the university, or in the UC system. So yeah… I was a little bit nervous.
BUT here is the beauty of a keynote speaker. You can’t ask someone to come speak and coach her/him. You can’t cut them off, your speaker is your guest. So then I could relax.
A beautiful moment? Yuri was talking about Helen Keller’s teacher Anne Sullivan but couldn’t remember her name. One of the parents yelled out “Anne Sullivan!” Yuri says, “Yes! Annie Sullivan! Thank you! What is your name? “ “My name is Daisy Bates—“ In unison Daisy and Yuri say, “You were/ I was named after civil rights activist Daisy Bates from Arkansas!” That was pretty cool… Well, who am I kidding? It was awesome to have Yuri come out and speak to our families.
In the end, there were some disgruntled parents (“Is everything in this program so political?” Sadly, no.) But overwhelmingly parents, staff, and students were touched by Yuri’s words.
Monday, May 15, 2006
today i finished 19 consecutive years of schooling. i turned in my masters thesis today and don't really know how to feel except that i should have reread it once more. my students are very excited for me and keep saying, "I'm going to call you Master Amy from now on." There's so many things wrong w/ that! anyway, it's cool that i have a line on my resume that says, "Masters of Arts in Education with a concentration in Equity and Social Justice" kick ass!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Tbanks to my friend Aaron, I had the honor of meeting Yuri Kochiyama. I’ve heard Yuri speak several times at large events but have never actually met her. Yuri came to visit Aaron’s first grade class so Aaron and I picked her up, stayed with her before her classroom visit, and then did a brief interview. For some reason, I feel funny blogging about meeting Yuri so I’m going to leave this at a few comments:
-Yuri asked me where I was from and I told her I grew up in San Diego. Usually when I tell people I’m from San Diego people respond, “San Diego is so beautiful!” or something similar. Yuri’s response? “Isn’t San Diego very racist?” Classic.
-Yuri’s range is amazing. She straight up asked a group of administrators and parents, “Don’t the students wonder why there are no black students here?” (the school is in the Oakland hills). When the students asked her “What can we do to help people?” She told the students they can ask someone who is carrying a lot of bundles if she/ he needs help or to offer help to someone who falls down on the playground. One parent asked her, “Has it ever been scary or hard for you to do the right thing?” Yuri basically told the students even if it was scary she was usually with a group of people and that made things better. She encouraged the students to work together when they think something needs to be changed. Then she said, “Just try not to get arrested. Hopefully, whoever the leader is will know about your rights.”
-The students wanted to know who Yuri considered to be a shero/ hero. Yuri said that Anne Sullivan was someone she really respected because of her patience. That struck me.
-Aaron’s class gave Yuri a teddy bear to add to her teddy bear collection. Yuri loves teddy bears and seemed to like this one in particular. After the class visit we had a chance to do a brief interview. To watch bad-ass Yuri hug a multi-colored teddy bear while speaking about Malcolm X was… I don’t even have a word. But it was good.
-I’m so excited that she has agreed to be the keynote speaker for our summer program. Our program needs this. Yeah, Aaron, I know I owe you.
Finally, Yuri’s love for people and commitment for social justice is apparent. She is such a loving and sincere woman.
-Yuri asked me where I was from and I told her I grew up in San Diego. Usually when I tell people I’m from San Diego people respond, “San Diego is so beautiful!” or something similar. Yuri’s response? “Isn’t San Diego very racist?” Classic.
-Yuri’s range is amazing. She straight up asked a group of administrators and parents, “Don’t the students wonder why there are no black students here?” (the school is in the Oakland hills). When the students asked her “What can we do to help people?” She told the students they can ask someone who is carrying a lot of bundles if she/ he needs help or to offer help to someone who falls down on the playground. One parent asked her, “Has it ever been scary or hard for you to do the right thing?” Yuri basically told the students even if it was scary she was usually with a group of people and that made things better. She encouraged the students to work together when they think something needs to be changed. Then she said, “Just try not to get arrested. Hopefully, whoever the leader is will know about your rights.”
-The students wanted to know who Yuri considered to be a shero/ hero. Yuri said that Anne Sullivan was someone she really respected because of her patience. That struck me.
-Aaron’s class gave Yuri a teddy bear to add to her teddy bear collection. Yuri loves teddy bears and seemed to like this one in particular. After the class visit we had a chance to do a brief interview. To watch bad-ass Yuri hug a multi-colored teddy bear while speaking about Malcolm X was… I don’t even have a word. But it was good.
-I’m so excited that she has agreed to be the keynote speaker for our summer program. Our program needs this. Yeah, Aaron, I know I owe you.
Finally, Yuri’s love for people and commitment for social justice is apparent. She is such a loving and sincere woman.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
my friend aaron is doing some awesome things w/ his 1st graders. Aaron's bringing activist Yuri Kochiyama to speak to his 1st graders this week! I'm so excited b/c I get to go too! tight. anyway, i will blog about that once it happens. B/c i work with HS students i miss out on many of the darling things little ones do/ say. To prep his students for Yuri, Aaron paired the kids and had them write 2-3 questions they have for her. Tonight we looked through the questions in preparation for tomorrow's class. There were the usual ones: What is your favorite color? Some good questions: How is in your community? Why do you help people? How did you help kids get street lights? And then some laugh out loud questions: How did you save the day? What is your favorite dinosaur? I LOVE the dinosaur question!
On another note, Aaron has been doing a lot of teaching about "community" w/ his kids. He gave examples of what different communities look like, one example was his mixed race heritage (JA, Irish, etc etc). All the students of color remained quiet while the white kids in his class got excited and claimed "I'm Irish and French" "I'm 100% European. That is my community. " AND "The Pilgrims are my community"". Man, how do you problemitize and explain all that to 1st graders?
On another note, Aaron has been doing a lot of teaching about "community" w/ his kids. He gave examples of what different communities look like, one example was his mixed race heritage (JA, Irish, etc etc). All the students of color remained quiet while the white kids in his class got excited and claimed "I'm Irish and French" "I'm 100% European. That is my community. " AND "The Pilgrims are my community"". Man, how do you problemitize and explain all that to 1st graders?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
As I prepare to complete (probably) the last step in my education, I keep thinking I should also look to find a new job. My job is very stressful and physically and emotionally demanding (like most jobs in ed). This past week has made me really emotional. My students and younger staff I have worked with have validated the work I am doing—a job that I often feel like is thankless (esp, by my office).
My job is interesting and varies. Some students will get into their dream school w/ or w/out me; they just don’t think they can do it by themselves. Others need the support to tell their stories to contextualize their less-than-impressive grades (one of my students got denied from every college EXCEPT from Berkeley (we have a crazy admissions process that I actually think is the best process in the UC system). This student did not want to talk about immigrating to the U.S. and living by himself for a year an a half while going to school (getting mainly D’s) and working 60 hour-weeks because he didn’t want to be pitied. Others just get scared seeing a bunch of bureaucratic forms and don’t want to attempt to do it by themselves. Some have messed up so much academically they gave up on college their junior year and then came for help senior year (one student actually cried when she got her acceptance letter to CSU eastbay). And then, of course, there’s all those personal stories… the ones that happened and the ones that are on going. Sometimes its just listening. Sometimes it referrals to clinics/ hospitals. Sometimes it’s just a coffee and a pastry. The worst is when you remember you are a mandated reporter. Then thinking of the cultural implications and ramifications of mandated reporting and how “abuse” looks different to different people. Then having to trust your own judgment…
I’m responsible for about 80 seniors (in total about 300 9-12 graders. My interns do most of the work with the younger students). Admittedly I don’t know many of my seniors (some have actually never come to see me). I’ve probably worked directly with about 60 students and have built close relationships with about 2/3s. I can’t even express how deeply these students have touched me.
All of my seniors are going to college next year-- about 90% are going to a 4-year. A good handful of the ones I am very close to are going to Berkeley, Davis, SFSU, and Sonoma so will be nearby. What is hard is many of their friends aren’t graduating. About 25% of seniors in West Contra Costa Unified have not passed the high school exit exam. At one school I work at, more than 40% of seniors have not passed the exit exam. This makes my role at the school seem luxurious and makes the school admin not so nice to me…
As the school year starts to wrap up I’m already thinking about how much I’ll miss my seniors. This year’s class has a special place in my heart because many I have known since they were in middle school. Also, some of the ones I just met within the last 1-2 years have been amazing, especially in perseverance. This year, I’ve also had the privilege of meeting and working with some students who are not in my program, but friends of friends. These young women in particular have left a strong impression on me. In a few years they will be even more kickass.
My job is interesting and varies. Some students will get into their dream school w/ or w/out me; they just don’t think they can do it by themselves. Others need the support to tell their stories to contextualize their less-than-impressive grades (one of my students got denied from every college EXCEPT from Berkeley (we have a crazy admissions process that I actually think is the best process in the UC system). This student did not want to talk about immigrating to the U.S. and living by himself for a year an a half while going to school (getting mainly D’s) and working 60 hour-weeks because he didn’t want to be pitied. Others just get scared seeing a bunch of bureaucratic forms and don’t want to attempt to do it by themselves. Some have messed up so much academically they gave up on college their junior year and then came for help senior year (one student actually cried when she got her acceptance letter to CSU eastbay). And then, of course, there’s all those personal stories… the ones that happened and the ones that are on going. Sometimes its just listening. Sometimes it referrals to clinics/ hospitals. Sometimes it’s just a coffee and a pastry. The worst is when you remember you are a mandated reporter. Then thinking of the cultural implications and ramifications of mandated reporting and how “abuse” looks different to different people. Then having to trust your own judgment…
I’m responsible for about 80 seniors (in total about 300 9-12 graders. My interns do most of the work with the younger students). Admittedly I don’t know many of my seniors (some have actually never come to see me). I’ve probably worked directly with about 60 students and have built close relationships with about 2/3s. I can’t even express how deeply these students have touched me.
All of my seniors are going to college next year-- about 90% are going to a 4-year. A good handful of the ones I am very close to are going to Berkeley, Davis, SFSU, and Sonoma so will be nearby. What is hard is many of their friends aren’t graduating. About 25% of seniors in West Contra Costa Unified have not passed the high school exit exam. At one school I work at, more than 40% of seniors have not passed the exit exam. This makes my role at the school seem luxurious and makes the school admin not so nice to me…
As the school year starts to wrap up I’m already thinking about how much I’ll miss my seniors. This year’s class has a special place in my heart because many I have known since they were in middle school. Also, some of the ones I just met within the last 1-2 years have been amazing, especially in perseverance. This year, I’ve also had the privilege of meeting and working with some students who are not in my program, but friends of friends. These young women in particular have left a strong impression on me. In a few years they will be even more kickass.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Dear Ex,
Luckily for you I've spent the last 6 weeks busting my ass to finish my thesis. b/c of this, I have yet to release my wrath on you. most likely I never will b/c I'm scared I will say something that will reignite your psycho-ness and find you waiting outside my office ready to kill me.
The last time I went to your house was a nightmare. To find out from your roommate that everything you had told me was a lie-- including the "fact" that weeks before you were lying unconscious in the fucking hospital—left me nauseous. Then to hear from your crazy cousin the next morning was too much. You know some fucked up people. The worse is that you need to have someone call for you!!!!! (You can at least stop being a thief and return my things!)
Since I have deduced that you are a pathological liar it makes sense that the big dreams and silly promises you had for yourself and for us never appeared. You were truly absurd. I always tried to convince myself that your absurdity was really just hyperbole squared or even cubed, but alas, I was wrong.
No, really, in all seriousness, I regret wasting a year on someone who is a figment of your imagination. I hate to be an elitist, but even if you are a real pathological liar you could have at least dreamed up someone w/ impressive credentials.
I have thought about why I didn’t try and break up with you before or after that crazy time in November when I asked you how you felt about taking a break (remember? you didn’t take that conversation too well. You peaced out for 6 fucking weeks. It took 4 weeks to get you to FINALLY put my stuff in my car trunk w/ the spare key (like I had asked you to do 3 weeks earlier) and you threw my keys in my mailbox and doorbell ditched me so I could find my keys. THEN two weeks later randomly showed up in my backyard early in the morning w/ a dramatic and tearful apology). You did SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. Yet I stayed with you or gave you more chances. Yes, this is going to make me look bad, but in all honesty it was guilt. I was always insecure about you.
Yes, you are physically beautiful. Beyond that, at our best I felt safe and secure w/ you. You made me feel beautiful. I loved your silliness; I loved that I could be silly with you. I liked that you were many things that my college boyfriend was not. (Yes, I do have some happy memories, but don’t feel like they’re mine since the person you said you were was mostly a lie). Ironically, I liked that you had dreamed big (at the time I did not know how much you “dreamed”). Despite this, I was insecure about what other people thought about us being together (no, by this I don’t mean that I was insecure cuz you’re black and I’m Korean). I hated the fact that I was insecure about who you were. I tried to push it away, to let go of my pride, to let go of what was a reflection of my own downfalls. I tried so hard that I was suffocated by it. Every time you did something to make me feel literally worthless, I was scared that those superficial insecurities were playing into my want to leave you, so I always held out. Dumb-ass me should have just said, “Who the hell cares if my insecurities are superficial? This man is neglectful and abusive!” and then dumped your ass.
Yes, I know, this letter has gone from hateful to reflective. Mainly, I hope you get help. I hope your family stops lying for you to cover up your pathological liar-ness. If, by some miracle you are not a pathological liar and just a horrible, terrible person, I hope you… Hey, I have some class so I won’t even say it.
~Amy
Luckily for you I've spent the last 6 weeks busting my ass to finish my thesis. b/c of this, I have yet to release my wrath on you. most likely I never will b/c I'm scared I will say something that will reignite your psycho-ness and find you waiting outside my office ready to kill me.
The last time I went to your house was a nightmare. To find out from your roommate that everything you had told me was a lie-- including the "fact" that weeks before you were lying unconscious in the fucking hospital—left me nauseous. Then to hear from your crazy cousin the next morning was too much. You know some fucked up people. The worse is that you need to have someone call for you!!!!! (You can at least stop being a thief and return my things!)
Since I have deduced that you are a pathological liar it makes sense that the big dreams and silly promises you had for yourself and for us never appeared. You were truly absurd. I always tried to convince myself that your absurdity was really just hyperbole squared or even cubed, but alas, I was wrong.
No, really, in all seriousness, I regret wasting a year on someone who is a figment of your imagination. I hate to be an elitist, but even if you are a real pathological liar you could have at least dreamed up someone w/ impressive credentials.
I have thought about why I didn’t try and break up with you before or after that crazy time in November when I asked you how you felt about taking a break (remember? you didn’t take that conversation too well. You peaced out for 6 fucking weeks. It took 4 weeks to get you to FINALLY put my stuff in my car trunk w/ the spare key (like I had asked you to do 3 weeks earlier) and you threw my keys in my mailbox and doorbell ditched me so I could find my keys. THEN two weeks later randomly showed up in my backyard early in the morning w/ a dramatic and tearful apology). You did SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. Yet I stayed with you or gave you more chances. Yes, this is going to make me look bad, but in all honesty it was guilt. I was always insecure about you.
Yes, you are physically beautiful. Beyond that, at our best I felt safe and secure w/ you. You made me feel beautiful. I loved your silliness; I loved that I could be silly with you. I liked that you were many things that my college boyfriend was not. (Yes, I do have some happy memories, but don’t feel like they’re mine since the person you said you were was mostly a lie). Ironically, I liked that you had dreamed big (at the time I did not know how much you “dreamed”). Despite this, I was insecure about what other people thought about us being together (no, by this I don’t mean that I was insecure cuz you’re black and I’m Korean). I hated the fact that I was insecure about who you were. I tried to push it away, to let go of my pride, to let go of what was a reflection of my own downfalls. I tried so hard that I was suffocated by it. Every time you did something to make me feel literally worthless, I was scared that those superficial insecurities were playing into my want to leave you, so I always held out. Dumb-ass me should have just said, “Who the hell cares if my insecurities are superficial? This man is neglectful and abusive!” and then dumped your ass.
Yes, I know, this letter has gone from hateful to reflective. Mainly, I hope you get help. I hope your family stops lying for you to cover up your pathological liar-ness. If, by some miracle you are not a pathological liar and just a horrible, terrible person, I hope you… Hey, I have some class so I won’t even say it.
~Amy
Sunday, April 02, 2006
all of my curriculum is done biatch!
actually this is a delayed post. i finished it last monday but have not had a chance to celebrate it.
this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster, filled with a lot of.... i guess... grieving (?). perhaps more disbelief and anger. i have been trudging along and getting my work and school done though. i've actually been pretty damn productive which worries me a little. i've been told that my coping mechanism is not so good... i guess i start coping w/ stuff but once it interferes w/ my responsibilities, i cut it off and never let it run its course. for someone who's so damned sensitive this is puzzling.
also in the past two weeks or so i have felt young. most people know that i am age sensitive. i hate being referred to as young or "only 23" or the worst, "when i was your age" (by people who are only a few years older). in the past 2-3 years I have felt esp sensitive b/c everything in my life has been on super-high gear w/ a lot of responsibilities. as a result, i've always felt somewhat older (even w/ all my big ass stuffed animals on my bed). recently when i'm sitting on my floor or lying in my bed thinking about stuff that's going on i get this feeling... stronger than a feeling... not as strong as a revelation... but whatever it is, my mind takes a big gulp of air and i feel something inside me that i instinctually associate w/ being young... vulernability perhaps.
actually this is a delayed post. i finished it last monday but have not had a chance to celebrate it.
this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster, filled with a lot of.... i guess... grieving (?). perhaps more disbelief and anger. i have been trudging along and getting my work and school done though. i've actually been pretty damn productive which worries me a little. i've been told that my coping mechanism is not so good... i guess i start coping w/ stuff but once it interferes w/ my responsibilities, i cut it off and never let it run its course. for someone who's so damned sensitive this is puzzling.
also in the past two weeks or so i have felt young. most people know that i am age sensitive. i hate being referred to as young or "only 23" or the worst, "when i was your age" (by people who are only a few years older). in the past 2-3 years I have felt esp sensitive b/c everything in my life has been on super-high gear w/ a lot of responsibilities. as a result, i've always felt somewhat older (even w/ all my big ass stuffed animals on my bed). recently when i'm sitting on my floor or lying in my bed thinking about stuff that's going on i get this feeling... stronger than a feeling... not as strong as a revelation... but whatever it is, my mind takes a big gulp of air and i feel something inside me that i instinctually associate w/ being young... vulernability perhaps.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
scratch scratch part deux
okay... so my rash... i went to kaiser and found out my rash is rare for young people to get. basically it's common among people over sixty years of age. it is def a result of an immune system that was weakened due to stress. i'm in A LOT of pain. this rash is not just itchy, but also burns like hell. basically it feels like i ahve 500 needles being poked into my skin (a patch of about six sq inches) with superbad sunburn that someone is slapping... it sucks. the rash will be there for 2-4 weeks and i might still ahve the pain after the rash goes away. i'm really sad. i feel so weak that my body would break down like this because of stress. the last three times i've been to the doctor they've diagnosed whatever i had as a result of stress.
anyway, i did all my faciliation questions for Dictee!!! YAY! i'm extremely satisfied w/ my facilitation questions and my pedagogy. basically, my method of faciliation matches the form of the book. it's kinda hard to explain without knowing the book, but i will share them with you in class. i'm so proud of myself.
anyway, i did all my faciliation questions for Dictee!!! YAY! i'm extremely satisfied w/ my facilitation questions and my pedagogy. basically, my method of faciliation matches the form of the book. it's kinda hard to explain without knowing the book, but i will share them with you in class. i'm so proud of myself.
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