Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dear Ex,
Luckily for you I've spent the last 6 weeks busting my ass to finish my thesis. b/c of this, I have yet to release my wrath on you. most likely I never will b/c I'm scared I will say something that will reignite your psycho-ness and find you waiting outside my office ready to kill me.

The last time I went to your house was a nightmare. To find out from your roommate that everything you had told me was a lie-- including the "fact" that weeks before you were lying unconscious in the fucking hospital—left me nauseous. Then to hear from your crazy cousin the next morning was too much. You know some fucked up people. The worse is that you need to have someone call for you!!!!! (You can at least stop being a thief and return my things!)

Since I have deduced that you are a pathological liar it makes sense that the big dreams and silly promises you had for yourself and for us never appeared. You were truly absurd. I always tried to convince myself that your absurdity was really just hyperbole squared or even cubed, but alas, I was wrong.

No, really, in all seriousness, I regret wasting a year on someone who is a figment of your imagination. I hate to be an elitist, but even if you are a real pathological liar you could have at least dreamed up someone w/ impressive credentials.

I have thought about why I didn’t try and break up with you before or after that crazy time in November when I asked you how you felt about taking a break (remember? you didn’t take that conversation too well. You peaced out for 6 fucking weeks. It took 4 weeks to get you to FINALLY put my stuff in my car trunk w/ the spare key (like I had asked you to do 3 weeks earlier) and you threw my keys in my mailbox and doorbell ditched me so I could find my keys. THEN two weeks later randomly showed up in my backyard early in the morning w/ a dramatic and tearful apology). You did SO MANY HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. Yet I stayed with you or gave you more chances. Yes, this is going to make me look bad, but in all honesty it was guilt. I was always insecure about you.

Yes, you are physically beautiful. Beyond that, at our best I felt safe and secure w/ you. You made me feel beautiful. I loved your silliness; I loved that I could be silly with you. I liked that you were many things that my college boyfriend was not. (Yes, I do have some happy memories, but don’t feel like they’re mine since the person you said you were was mostly a lie). Ironically, I liked that you had dreamed big (at the time I did not know how much you “dreamed”). Despite this, I was insecure about what other people thought about us being together (no, by this I don’t mean that I was insecure cuz you’re black and I’m Korean). I hated the fact that I was insecure about who you were. I tried to push it away, to let go of my pride, to let go of what was a reflection of my own downfalls. I tried so hard that I was suffocated by it. Every time you did something to make me feel literally worthless, I was scared that those superficial insecurities were playing into my want to leave you, so I always held out. Dumb-ass me should have just said, “Who the hell cares if my insecurities are superficial? This man is neglectful and abusive!” and then dumped your ass.

Yes, I know, this letter has gone from hateful to reflective. Mainly, I hope you get help. I hope your family stops lying for you to cover up your pathological liar-ness. If, by some miracle you are not a pathological liar and just a horrible, terrible person, I hope you… Hey, I have some class so I won’t even say it.

~Amy

4 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.
»

Anonymous said...

Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
»