Rest in Peace Loni Ding

I just heard that Asian American filmmaker Loni Ding passed away. Loni Ding* was an multiple Emmy award winning filmmaker, producer, activist, artist and teacher. She joins the list of distinguished Asian American sheroes and heroes who have passed on in the past year. My condolences to her family and those who love her.

My junior year at Cal, I had the honor of taking Loni Ding's Ethnic Studies class called Documentary Film in Communities of Color. We spent a quarter of the semester in a traditional film studies class and spent the rest of the semester working on our own documentary.

That was a crazy semester with a lot of long nights and weekends filming and editing. It took us forever to figure out how to smuggle our mini dv camera into the Media Resources Center in Moffit Library so we could copy clips from films/ docs to use as b-roll.

Anyway, the first time I met Loni Ding (and pretty much every time I saw her after then), I thought, "Loni Ding is genius and crazy!" Crazy in the best way of course! She embodied life. Loni Ding had so much vibrant spunkiness to her. She knew what she wanted and got it. She knew what she wanted from us as well and had no problem letting us know. Her outlook, her art, and her way of being complexified for me what it could mean to be Asian American.

At the time I took Loni Ding's class, I think was in her early 70s, but you would never know it. We only had 3 clues to her age 1) She always yelled at us to "Stop muttering! I can't hear you! Why do you all mutter?!" But it was really her hearing. I used to wonder, how has she not figured it out yet? 2) She always yelled somewhat because of her hearing and 3) Once my group went to her house for a meeting. It was totally something you would see in the movies. Long shot from the street: Three Asian American college students approach an old house. Trees and plants are growing everywhere. Birds eye angle of the students and house: Students gaze up, look around and wonder, Where is the entrance? Extreme close up: Hand knocking on a door. Medium shot: students look at each other nervously. We hear creaking, squeaky door hinges and a voice off to the right that yells, "What are you doing over there! Come here!" Pan far right to the other side of the house, up some stairs: enter Loni Ding shaking her head at the silly college students.

Thank you Loni Ding for these memories. RIP

Loni Ding on developing her identity as Chinese American and as artist:


"Before I went to Mexico, my whole sense of myself and my esthetic sense of what I liked in shapes and colors in clothing, furniture, sculpture, buildings, anything, was really into WASP culture. I liked gray colors, linear, Gothic shapes and hollow-cheeked people. I wanted to be a hollow-cheeked person, a wispy, tubercular type. Instead I was sturdy, chunky, mesomorphic.

Then I hit Mexico. I just went for the work camp but ended up seeing the murals of Diego Rivera, Orozco, and a lot of countryside of Mexico—the colors of the earth and people. I started to see that all the good people in the Rivera murals were the round, brown people: I saw the orange and the reds, the deep greens and the purples of the culture, and the round bodies painted by Rivera. When they sat down on the little chairs, part of their buttocks would hang over the edge! Very real and tender. The lean, gaunt faces were of Henry Ford, Rockefeller, the Conquistadors—the evil people.

When I came back my tastes had completely turned around. I looked in the mirror and I rather liked this round person that I saw! Everything turned into reds, oranges and brilliant colors. I also looked differently at someone like Eric Sevareid, the news commentator who was a classic WASP type. I used to think that he was the absolute last word. And when Sir Kenneth Clark, in a PBS series, would talk about "Civilization," by which he meant only western European culture—I used to think that this was wonderful.

Well, when I got back I suddenly looked at both of these men with a totally distant eye. I had a skeptical attitude, and they no longer had any power over me. I thought they were quite ordinary."



On why she does her work
"For the problem of absence, the main work is to create presence. My preferred approach is to displace stereotypes by creating vital images of Asian Americans as real human beings, with individual faces, voices, and personal histories that we come to know and care about.

They would not be the Americans whose differences are dissolved in the "melting pot," but people speaking with the distinctive accents and rhythms of their real individual and family histories; neither looking nor sounding like the "typical American."

Authentic images of minorities do not abound. For ourselves too, we have a need for the objectifying record. We think we know what we look and sound like, until we’re surprised or shocked by hearing our actual voices on a tape recorder, or seeing our physical selves in moving images".


-------
*For some reason, I never feel comfortable calling her "Loni", she is always Loni Ding to me!

Thank you Ron Takaki

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/31/education/31takaki.html

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/06/01/BA7B17T6TQ.DTL

Like many students at Berkeley, I first heard of Ron Takaki in my Asian Am 20A. Strangers From a Different Shore was one of the many books we were assigned to read but it was the book that had the biggest impact on my life. Two years later in my junior year of college, I had the honor of taking a small research seminar led by Professor Takaki. We met in a dark classroom in Wheeler Hall once a week. Creaky chairs, too small tables, dusty blackboards. The 15 or so of us, including Professor Takaki, sat in a small circle every class period sharing our research. Professor Takaki opened up the semester asking us his famous question, “How do you know you know what you know?” and we spent the first three weeks of the class sharing our epistemologies. Riveting to learn from him. Riveting to learn from each other.

Professor Takaki’s discussion of his epistemology deeply resonated with me and still does. I was moved to hear him share his experience entering academia, publishing his first book, and going home to Hawaii to his family. His uncle said to him, “Hey Ronnie, it’s good that you did all that but when are you going to write something for us? Something that we can read?” And that shaped the rest of his career as a historian, writer, researcher, and teacher. He told us this story at a time when I was struggling to reconcile my own identies as a student in Asian American Studies and as a daughter of Korean immigrants. Every time I went home to San Diego, I left something behind in Berkeley. Every time I left to Berkeley, I left something behind in San Diego. At that point it was something I had never talked about and instead struggled alone in this constricting binary paradigm.

But I digress.

Professor Takaki invited our class to his house for lunch. He took us on a tour of his study which was really a basement room with a bunch of filing cabinets. On top of the file cabinets you could see plaques and awards collecting dust. An after thought. He proudly showed us the paintings that he and his wife Carol made (I don’t remember what the style is called, one was a mallard duck though!). In the living room there sat a piano that was cluttered 40 photos or so of their children and grand children. The only thing that could make you think this man was a big deal was a picture of Professor Takaki and President Clinton taped to the wall. No frame. Just tape.

In that seminar, Professor Takaki was so supportive of me and my writing. Even though we were just undergrads, you could tell he really cared about our writing and storytelling. Out of his class came my paper Yuhl-Sheem, which is captured in this blog as a series (See Tag: Yuhl-Sheem).

In the past year I have thought a lot about Ron Takaki. He has been on my mind as I identified my dissertation topic and did some preliminary work in the spring semester. Even more so, in the past few months, I have come to a strong realization that Ron Takaki has influenced me beyond academia and into my work as an educational practitioner. The work I did in Richmond and the way in which I did my work was deeply rooted in working with my students to shape, name, and tell their stories as young folks who live on the margins and to find ways to develop fluency in multiple Discourses so that we may retell our powerful stories.

I was so saddened when I read about Ron Takaki’s passing. Short of breath when I read how he passed. I send my deepest condolences to his family and the thousands of other people who have been profoundly touched by his work and life.

Students of Color Conference 2006

UC is hosting it's 18th annual Students of Color Conference on Nov 17-19 at the Berkeley campus. The conference theme is RISE UP! Reclaiming Our Education and Making Our Voices Heard. To register and find out more about the conference got to their website . I'll probably be leading a workshop on the effects of Prop 209 on the APA community, so maybe I'll see you there!

adding fuel to the fire? Red Doors

inspired by Gar's post about the movie Red Doors by Georgia Lee. Lee's come under some fire from some ppl for having a movie w/ 3 asian american sisters who all have white male love interests (i think). BTW gar, in my post i use "your" or "you" a lot, but that does not equal Gar, it's a general "you".

let me start by saying:
-I am an APA woman who finds APA men extremely sexy and lovable.
-It makes me really disgusted when i hear APA women say "i can't date an asian guy b/c it would be like kissing my brother" i think to myself, wow, you must also subscribe to the idea that all asians look alike b/c you can't tell your brother part from another APA man!
-I live in the Bay where yellow fever is rampant and often get annoyed by its huge presence. i try not to, but i def sometimes maddog these couples. (I *really* try to stop doing that)

back to red doors
i have not seen it or really followed the back and forth too closely. i did read michael kang's post on it. i ONLY read kang's post and Gar's post. i did not read all those comments on Kang's blog. here is an excerpt from kang: "Georgia didn't grow up in a predominately Asian community. She grew up in an upper-middle class suburb of Connecticutt. She probably didn't have much exposure to Asian men in her love life growing up. For her to write a story about these three sisters in relationships with Asian boys would have been false. She stuck by the old adage that you write what you know. When I see Red Doors, I believe she knows this material inside and out."

not only is this part of Georgia's reality, but also the reality of many many APA women and men (including myself up to age 17). that story deserves to be told as much as anyone elses (even if you think it doesn't further your APA agenda)

i often think about the large burden that artists of color are expected bear. it's not fair of communities of color to expect artists to dismantle negative images in all of their projects. when i think about supporting APA artists, yes, i def throw my support behind those whom i feel create new and refreshing representations of APAs, particularly those that fit in w/ my political agenda. HOWEVER, one of my many hopes for the APA community is not so focused on dismantling negative images of APAs but providing a diverse and complex representations of our experiences, INCLUDING white male/ asian female loving. mores stories, more voices right? we are not homogenous, our experiences certainly are not.

hopefully, Georgia's characters are complex. i know if i watch red doors, i will have to really try and remove my automatic dislike of white-on-rice to see if the characters are multi-dimensional, if the film is beautiful, if the story is solid, etc etc. my political beef on APA male representation can play a role in how I recieve the film, but hopefully it will not be the only role.

another thing i want to say is that APA men can be the harshest critics when it comes to this shit. for those of you who don't know why, i'm not going to take the time to explain it right now. anyway, i get frustrated b/c implicit in getting upset over asian female/ white male couples is that it becomes framed w/in ethnicity and sexuality (demasculinizing APA men, right?). however, SOMETIMES IT'S JUST AN ISSUE OF PATRIARCHY! it becomes a competition of ownership. "Who can legitimatley own APA women?"

last thoughts?
this issue will always depress me. the outrage over representations of APAs can seem so silly to people on the outside, but it is def grounded in a sociohistorical context AND of course it affects our everyday lives. no doubt, it is very personal. it sickens me that there are so few APA artists/ writers/ filmmakers who are given acccess to resources, publicity, acceptance, etc that we must staunchly defend/ defeat them because the artists are not making an image that is palatable for our community. it's like we get someone and we have to immediately assess "For or Against"? because there's so few in the first place! FUCK MAN. you know white folks don't ever get slammed for showing trailer trash or their suburban counterparts. it's hard enough to break out and decide to follow your heart and your art, then get funding, then get publicity, and then also have to please all APAs? come on, now.

here are some related thoughts: on black male/ asian female relationships (an old post of mine)

dreams

so i'm thinking of starting a program in Richmond for APA youth... scary... i'll be satisfied if i can start small (like 5-8 youth)... i have some ideas, am still thinking about how this can work, need to talk to the youth... so scary... if you're available to bounce ideas around or want are in the east bay and may want to help (ahem... cynthia?) lemme know. if this gets off the ground, i'll prolly start a separate blog to document the process. YIKEs!!

Magnetic North

i've been meaning to post this since june.

my friend freida k. got me hooked on hip hop duo Magentic North. i've been listening to their album non-stop since i got in (that is until ben jacked it... don't worry, MN, he's just borrowing it until his own copy arrives!). their sound, lyrics, and delivery are beautiful and complex, plus their DJ has bombass voice. my favorite song is called "drift away". listen to it on their myspace or buy their album on their website

I called 4 APA/ Korean American community health agencies in Oakland today looking for Korean-language literature on depression and suicide. Only one of these spots has literature. Unfortunately, they won't share it unless the person who needs the info makes an appointment, does an intake, and is serviced. :( What a sad indication of their funding! None of these other places were able to help me out. If you know of a Korean-language website that has accurate information on depression, please let me know.

Depression

I pray for strength, patience, diligence, love, compassion and wisdom.

Again.

“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”

To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.

In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.

Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.

Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.

A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.

Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.


Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).

-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.

-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).

-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.

- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.

yuri k.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I feel like the past week has flown by in the blink of an eye.


Saturday we had our parent/ student orientation for our 6 week summer program. 200 kids plus their parents/ guardians/ siblings, plus 50+ summer staff. A while back, I wrote about meeting Yuri Kochiyama through my friend Aaron. Because of that meeting I was able to get Yuri to be our keynote speaker! Although I was very excited, I was also very scared. I had to introduce Yuri (scary b/c, well… she’s Yuri); I had to introduce her in front of 500 people (scary b/c I’m good at speaking to large groups on the fly, but not good speaking to large groups w/ prepared material); I’ve had a crazy cough for the last week (scary b/c I didn’t want to get into a coughing fit); and I wasn’t too sure what Yuri was going to talk about (scary b/c I work for a big university). Our keynote speakers have traditionally been professors or faculty and nobody I work w/ knew who Yuri was in the first place (after they read her bio, most people were excited). Anyway, I talked w/ Yuri probably once a week for the last month setting this up. I gave her a topic: the importance of education. I let her interpret this however she wanted. Two days before she went through her notes w/ me and everything sounded inspirational and relevant. On the day of she basically said everything she told me she was going to say. She talked about seeking truth, thinking critically, working together, returning to your community, learning from everyone, etc etc. Everything she said she was going to talk and also linked it to the war in Iraq and the Vietnam war. She talked war for about 15 minutes. Now this was unexpected. Call me a pansy, but I was little worried. Our program is in such a precarious position. We have no funding for next year; we are expected to boost the number of black students in our program w/out directly targeting black students (the outcome of working in educational outreach post-affirmative action); we had to turn away 200 students for our summer program and have a bunch of angry parents; and we also have some incompetent leaders who won’t stand up for our program in our unit, in the university, or in the UC system. So yeah… I was a little bit nervous.

BUT here is the beauty of a keynote speaker. You can’t ask someone to come speak and coach her/him. You can’t cut them off, your speaker is your guest. So then I could relax.

A beautiful moment? Yuri was talking about Helen Keller’s teacher Anne Sullivan but couldn’t remember her name. One of the parents yelled out “Anne Sullivan!” Yuri says, “Yes! Annie Sullivan! Thank you! What is your name? “ “My name is Daisy Bates—“ In unison Daisy and Yuri say, “You were/ I was named after civil rights activist Daisy Bates from Arkansas!” That was pretty cool… Well, who am I kidding? It was awesome to have Yuri come out and speak to our families.

In the end, there were some disgruntled parents (“Is everything in this program so political?” Sadly, no.) But overwhelmingly parents, staff, and students were touched by Yuri’s words.

Kimchi Chigae

I’ve decided to post some of my Korean recipes b/c well… there are few good Korean recipes online!

When I moved out of my parents’ house 6 years ago and craved Korean food I was very sad. Korean restaurants are expensive and the recipe’s I found in the internet all sounded weird—not like my mom’s food. It was an uphill battle to get her to share recipes w/ me. She doesn’t measure anything, so I always had to guess what she meant by “a little” or “a lot”. She didn’t want me to cook b/c she started so young and feels like she has spent her life cooking. She says there’s plenty of time for me to learn. ALSO, I think she likes knowing that I still need her.

ANYWAY, I’m sharing some of my recipes. These are not my mom’s recipes, cuz my food is pretty good but never is as tasty as her’s. She still makes all her own kimchi (a billion different types), brings the dish that first disappears at church potlucks and family celebrations, and just in general is an AMAZING cook. I’m going to mainly post Korean recipes but will occasionally post other recipes as well (including cookies! YUM!) So, here is my first recipe post:

Kimchi Chigae (Kimchi Stew)
Tastes: spicy (duh), garlicky, and a tad bit sweet
Difficulty level: EASY*

Ingredients (the measurements may be off by a little b/c I’m my mother’s daughter and don’t measure unless it comes to baking ):
2 C water
1.5 T sogogi dashi dah ( Korean beef bouillon)
1 T Olive Oil
1 C Kimchi w/ the juices (you need the napa cabbage kind)
1/2 package of tofu (soft or medium)- cut into 1-inch cubes
1 Green onion, chopped into 1-inch pieces
6 oz stew beef cut into half-inch cubes

Directions:
In a medium pot heat up the olive oil. W/ the stove on medium heat, add in the kimchi and stew beef and saute until the kimchi leaves turn almost translucent (abt 5 minutes). Add the water to the pot, cover, bring to boil. Add in sogogi dashi dah; stir; taste. At this point you can add in more kimchi juice or dashi dah to adjust to your liking. Add the green onion and tofu, bring to boil once more. EAT!!!!! (Don’t be greedy and burn your tongue like I sometimes do).

Variations: Until recently I’ve been a relatively broke and extremely busy student. This means my kimchi chigae usually is just the water, oil, dashi, and kimchi. If I’m lucky I put in the tofu.

Beef: You can leave out the meat entirely or substitute SPAM (sounds good, but I like my SPAM fried). I’ve also heard people say they use canned tuna, but that’s a bit weird to me.

Sogoi Dashi Dah: You can probably substitute regular beef bouillon or beef stock. I’ve never done this, but imagine it to be okay. OR you can just go to the Korean market and buy some. Sogogi dashi dah is the base for all of my soups and a minor but important ingredient in a lot of my panchan recipes as well.

Too lazy to make rice? Add vermicelli noodles (like the kind in jap chae) or tuk/ rice ovalettes to your kimchi chigae for some starchy goodness!

*hmm, actually, almost everything I post will be spicy, garlicky, and easy to make (my top 3 qualities in a food)

Tbanks to my friend Aaron, I had the honor of meeting Yuri Kochiyama. I’ve heard Yuri speak several times at large events but have never actually met her. Yuri came to visit Aaron’s first grade class so Aaron and I picked her up, stayed with her before her classroom visit, and then did a brief interview. For some reason, I feel funny blogging about meeting Yuri so I’m going to leave this at a few comments:

-Yuri asked me where I was from and I told her I grew up in San Diego. Usually when I tell people I’m from San Diego people respond, “San Diego is so beautiful!” or something similar. Yuri’s response? “Isn’t San Diego very racist?” Classic.

-Yuri’s range is amazing. She straight up asked a group of administrators and parents, “Don’t the students wonder why there are no black students here?” (the school is in the Oakland hills). When the students asked her “What can we do to help people?” She told the students they can ask someone who is carrying a lot of bundles if she/ he needs help or to offer help to someone who falls down on the playground. One parent asked her, “Has it ever been scary or hard for you to do the right thing?” Yuri basically told the students even if it was scary she was usually with a group of people and that made things better. She encouraged the students to work together when they think something needs to be changed. Then she said, “Just try not to get arrested. Hopefully, whoever the leader is will know about your rights.”

-The students wanted to know who Yuri considered to be a shero/ hero. Yuri said that Anne Sullivan was someone she really respected because of her patience. That struck me.

-Aaron’s class gave Yuri a teddy bear to add to her teddy bear collection. Yuri loves teddy bears and seemed to like this one in particular. After the class visit we had a chance to do a brief interview. To watch bad-ass Yuri hug a multi-colored teddy bear while speaking about Malcolm X was… I don’t even have a word. But it was good.

-I’m so excited that she has agreed to be the keynote speaker for our summer program. Our program needs this. Yeah, Aaron, I know I owe you.

Finally, Yuri’s love for people and commitment for social justice is apparent. She is such a loving and sincere woman.

my friend aaron is doing some awesome things w/ his 1st graders. Aaron's bringing activist Yuri Kochiyama to speak to his 1st graders this week! I'm so excited b/c I get to go too! tight. anyway, i will blog about that once it happens. B/c i work with HS students i miss out on many of the darling things little ones do/ say. To prep his students for Yuri, Aaron paired the kids and had them write 2-3 questions they have for her. Tonight we looked through the questions in preparation for tomorrow's class. There were the usual ones: What is your favorite color? Some good questions: How is in your community? Why do you help people? How did you help kids get street lights? And then some laugh out loud questions: How did you save the day? What is your favorite dinosaur? I LOVE the dinosaur question!

On another note, Aaron has been doing a lot of teaching about "community" w/ his kids. He gave examples of what different communities look like, one example was his mixed race heritage (JA, Irish, etc etc). All the students of color remained quiet while the white kids in his class got excited and claimed "I'm Irish and French" "I'm 100% European. That is my community. " AND "The Pilgrims are my community"". Man, how do you problemitize and explain all that to 1st graders?

Jeff Yang who writes the Asian Pop column for SF Gate posted some questions on his blog. Here is my attempt to answer some of his questions.

QUESTION: WHAT DOES ASIAN MEAN TO YOU?

NAME: Amy Lee
LOCATION: Oakland, CA originally from San Diego, CA
DESCRIBE YOURSELF: 2nd generation Korean American. Daughter of working class immigrants. Educator.

Do you think of yourself as Asian? Why or why not? Do your parents?
Outwardly, I think of myself as Asian American. I think of myself as part of the “Asian American community”. I like the ambiguity of the term. Because Asian American refers to so many people, so many ethnic groups, I think it’s harder to stereotype than “Korean American.” There’s a lot more space to define/ redefine. Inwardly, I think of myself as Korean or Korean American. I don’t feel like I have a Korean American community outside of my family so my identification as Korean American is very specific and very personal.

My parents do not think of themselves as Asian or me as Asian; in their eyes we are definitely Korean. When I came home from school upset because some stupid kids pulled their eyes to the side and chanted “Ching-chong Chinaman!” my dad said, “Tell them you’re Korean, not Chinese!” Not exactly comforting for a 7-year-old.

When was the first time you referred to yourself as "Asian"?
This is a hard question. This must have been when I was older, probably 8th grade.

Stream of consciousness: What ideas immediately come to mind when you think of the word Asian?
Perfectly made-up face with a cigarette dangling out of shiny red lips
Diesel jeans, vintage shirt, kangol hat, puma shoes, hipster who lives in the Haight.

Mental health issues ignored. Body image. Heterogeneous. Homogeneous. Modest. Asian fetish. Someone you can share “whipping” stories with and not be embarrassed or think he/she will pass judgment on your parents.

What does Asian taste like?
At American restaurants “Asian” tastes like ginger, peanuts, scallions, and mandarin oranges. For the record, Korean food never uses peanuts OR oranges.

What does Asian look like? (For my mother)
Your hands are rough from manual labor. They are aged with chemicals that make floors and toilets sparkle. They rub sweat out of the collars of “dry-clean only” shirts. They are scarred from running endless yards of poly-cotton material through commercial sewing machines to turn a 22-cent-profit on a trendy top. You come home tired from your minimum-wage job and make dinner: two types of kimchi, neatly-folded mandoo, three types of nam-mul, gamja ban-chan, fried fish, a spicy chigae -- all homemade/ handmade. Your hands give life.

What is Asian good at and bad at?
Despite coming from a culture where cycles are prominent, we are LINEAR. (Good or bad, your call).

What's the most Asian thing you've ever done?
The most “Asian” thing I’ve ever done is go to UC Berkeley. Or maybe the most Asian thing I’ve done is plan out a day to eat Spam. I loved canned meat!!!

Who's the most Asian person you know? Why?
Umm… Wu-Tang Clan?

If you're Asian, how do you feel when you see someone who's not Asian aspiring to be Asian--flattered, or embarrassed, both, or neither?
One time I was in a random church crying, looking for refuge. I was a low-point in my life. I ended up talking to the pastor who was a white male. The pastor kept making suggestions that were TOTALLY culturally insensitive. After I told him his suggestions weren’t realistic for my family situation, he briefly excused himself. He came back and introduced this white lady to me: “Amy, this is ____. She might be able to help us out. ____ has been working at the Asian Art Museum for 10 years. She knows a lot about Asian culture.” Despite the fact that I was crying so hard that I had hiccups, snot all over my face, and my eyes were swollen, I had to stop and laugh. Usually, I just laugh.

Extra: Last summer we took our students ice skating. They were supposed to brown bag their lunch and eat it at the rink. I ended up sitting next to some students from San Francisco, all Chinese kids. They had tupperware with rice and some unidentifiable home-cooked Chinese food. It was so cool! I was always stressed out when we had to bring a lunch for a field trip instead of being able to buy lunch from school. For the most part I grew up in lily-white areas of San Diego. I definitely did not want to bring my momma’s food for fieldtrips. It was such an ordeal to bring lunch from home because we’d have to think “American”. We’d have to buy a whole package of brown paper lunch bags, a loaf of bread, mayonnaise, ham, lettuce, tomato, chips, juice boxes, sandwich bags, etc etc. It was so expensive. By the time the next fieldtrip rolled around the paper lunch bags would be all dusty, the mayonnaise would look weird, and the sandwich bags would get tossed so we would have to start ALL over. Anyway, I told my students all of this and they looked at me like I was silly. They could not understand why I wouldn’t just bring Korean food to these field trips. Maybe I thought eating like an “American” would make my eyes bigger and my hair lighter and fool the rest of the kids! I think though, if you grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and are a person of color, you know what I’m talking about.

This is my month biatch!

In honor of APA heritage month, I offer you a list of 10 things YOU can do to celebrate (seriously, I was an Asian American Studies major!):
1. Make origami cranes
2. eat fortune cookies (strike that)
2. take out your planner and schedule in a different asian cuisine for every day of the month (thai, Burmese, Indian, Chinese, Korean, Japanese Vietnamese, Pilipino, Taiwanese, Singaporean, etc etc.)
3. tell your asian girlfriend/ wife “I love you” in her home language
4. go to yoga/ tae kwon do/ jujitsu/ etc etc
5. wear a cheongsam, hanbok, kimono w/ chopsticks in your hair (or a sari w/ a bindi on your head)
6. get an asian tattoo/ henna
7. Watch Madame Butterfly
8. Tell an APA how your dad/ grandfather/ uncle/ brother fought in the “war”
9. make a newspaper rice paddy hat and wear it on your head
10. watch hentai

May is APA heritage month. like most people of color, I don’t really know what to make of the tokenized month that celebrates the greatest of me (or rather, APAs). May has never been anything special to me except that it meant the end of the school year for the last 6 years of my life. as a former Asian American Studies major you'd think i'd get really excited, go to a bunch of events, and be... well, yellow and proud. in actuality, i'm never quite sure what to make of this month. it seems very anti-climatic.

This year, I’m going to try and remember WHY May is APA heritage month:

-May is the month in which the first Asian arrived on American soil (so I’ve read)

-Chinese exclusion Act, Passed May 6 1882: Chinese were banned from immigrating to the U.S. Originally a 10-year-policy, was extended and made permanent in 1902. It wasn’t until 1943 when China was an important ally of US that the act was appealed.

-On May 3, 1942, General DeWitt issued Civilian Exclusion Order No. 346, ordering all people of Japanese ancestry, whether citizens or non-citizens, to report to assembly centers, where they would live until being moved to permanent "Relocation Centers."

-Chinese American railroad workers finish building the Transcontinental Railroad on May 10, 1869. 2/3 of the 4,000 railroad workers were Chinese. Workers risked and lost their lives to chip away granite and plant explosives to blast tunnels.


Okay, so here is my REAL list to celebrate APA heritage month:
1. Listen closely and stop thinking you can’t understand someone speaking w/ an accent
2. Be nice to service workers
3. teach your kids/ yourself/ someone to stop pulling their eyes and saying “ching chong chinaman”
4. write to Michelle Malkinand John Yooand let them know you’re ashamed of them
5. stop thinking in a black/ white paradigm
6. vote
7. read a book by an APA writer that is not Amy Tan or Maxine Hong Kingston
8. love an APA man
9. stop thinking you can’t be a feminist and an APA activist
10. Read Heartbeat of Struggle: The Revolutionary Life of Yuri Kochiyama

11. if you’re an APA take care of your mental and physical health. If you’re an APA woman who is not “Asian-skinny” love your body. We don’t all have to be a BCBG size 0, ya know! (Fact: Suicide is the leading cause of death for APA youth (second only to unintentional deaths) according to CDC 2000. In 2003, the American Psychological Association found that APA girls have highest rate of depressive symptoms of all racial groups and the highest suicide rate among women 15-24). Let's take care of ourselves kiddies!

i keep forgetting to post stuff from my myspace blog:

I'm working at the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble in Emeryville. The place is packed today. The only table open is next to this group of 7 people. We grab the table, but Im secretly thinking, oh no, I bet theyre going to be loud. Theyre not. Theyre completely silent only laughing occasionally. The only noise is the adorable baby making baby noise. I wonder why 7 people are sitting in silence. I look over and I see that theyre all signing to teach other! Totally unexpected. I actually see people signing to each other pretty often. This time though its different b/c theyre Asian. Ive never seen Asian folks using sign language. I wonder if my surprise is an internalization of the idea that Asian folks dont have disabilities. Those issues are really hidden in our community. Its pretty sad and damaging to APAs who are disabled and their families. Not only is there an issue of shame, but theres little outreach to the community by larger advocacy groups.

Anyway, its really cool cuz the baby is like 1 year old. The seven adults are signing to each other but then also teaching the baby how to sign. It must be neat to have your baby attempt to sign. Its so cute when babys mess up big people words cuz their voices are so squeaky and well, babyish. It must be just as cute to have your baby sign cuz you get to see those chubby hands clumsily communicate! You can tell when the baby is doing baby-signing (as opposed to baby wiggling and waving) b/c you hear excited sounds from the group and everyone gets these huge smiles. Nice.


UPDATE: SWEET!!! they're korean! they're singing/ humming/ signing one of my Korean baby songs about 3 bears (better than goldilocks). oooh sooo cute!!!

today i was telling aaron about how much i like wikipedia. whenever i want to find something i check out wikipedia; it's like an internet Dad. for example, i love eating pommelo. i figured it was a hybrid of a grapefruit and orange but wasnt sure. B/c of wikipedia i now know that a grapefruit is actually a hybrid of an orange and pommelo. who knew pommelo was a pure fruit?! B/c of wikipedia i also know that Marlon Brando loved "exotic women".

in 1957 he married actress Anna Kashfi believing her to be South Asian. She was actually from Wales and was Irish Catholic. She "dressed and made herself up as an Indian beauty after learning that Brando gravitated toward exotic women." weird huh? if you look up "lactose intolerant" on wikipedia you can see a graph that shows the % of lactose intolerancy by ethnic group (swedish 2%; white americans 12%; black americans 75%;; chinese 83%.)

a few months ago, my sister and i looked up "care bears" cuz we love those little buggers. not only is there a lengthy article on care bears, but it lists the main care bears and the care bear cousins. my favorite care bear, funshine bear used to be a girl in the 80s but was recently reissued as a boy! funshine is transexual! amigo bear was added this year and is the first bear to speak spanish. amigo bear got me thinking that the rest of the bears are probably ethnically white, instead of ethnicity-less like they should be since they're bears. anyway, today i revisited the page to see if any care bear descriptions would have ethnicity clue. guess what i found? in an episode called "long lost care bears" there are 2 bears named Polite and Perfect PANDA. WTF? come on, you know ppl think asians are polite (bowing, pouring tea, etc etc) and strive to be perfect (overworked kids going to kumon, language school, piano, karate, church, etc) . these bears are obviously Asian, more specifically Chinese (cuz you know, panda's are from china). i hope the creators know that polite and perfect might be care bear COUSINS, not actual care BEARS b/c there's some classification controversy if pandas are bears, related to raccoons, or are in a class by themselves.

silence

i've been stuck on my "Researcher Background" section for a long time... so stuck in fact that i sent over a draft to samhita for feedback ( i NEVER let ppl read my unpolished writing, it's too embarrassing, unless its in blog form) anyway, samhita told me what i have is too skeletal and that i'm holding back. so i think i need to do some more free writing...

asian american studies was the only place in berkeley that i didn't feel silenced. despite being on a campus full of APAs, i always felt marginal. up until my college, i lived most of my life feeling alienated from my surroundings, especailly in high school. i was used to the loneliness and able to disguise it pretty well.

when i came to cal, i felt out of place. def i felt out of place b/c so many people on my floor had college-educated parents or came from middle class families. yes, there were a lot of APAs, but few who were interested in social justice. everyone wanted to get into the damn b-school... SO IRRITATING. when i took my first asian am class it was exhilarating. thrilling. i've been going through my college writings. many of my asian am classes required a Why are you here? response the first week. all of my responses sound so excited. i felt grounded in that space. i could speak. i learned about things i didn't know existed.

what was unsettling was when i left that safe space. my ed classes were predominantly white (even though all the classes required an interview and i'm sure they used some informal Affirmative Action)-- that space was not safe. too many racist white liberals who want to be educational missionaries. my random GE classes- everyone was Asian but was STILL trying to get into B-school. even my ethnic studies classes were not safe. you cannot be an Asian Am major and think in the black/ white paradigm (you prolly can't be a chican@ studies major either). you def cannot be an Asian Am major w/out considering how immigration hinders/ supports your access to resources in the U.S. you cannot be an asian am major w/out talking about that damn model minority myth. M3 keeps coming back and biting me in the ass. the internalization of the myth is why AAS is dying at UC Berkeley. it's why there were only 13 ppl who graduated from AAS in 2004. the pervasive nature of the myth is also what keeps the discipline so insulated from the rest of the ES department. that's why in comparative ethnic studies courses that are not taught by an APA professor, APA issues are glossed over and superficial. that's why APA students who have an interest in cultural studies don't want to be in AAS-- i've heard so many ES folks say, Asian Am is too limiting. some dumbass actually told me it was not revolutionary enough.

rekindling the romance between me and my thesis

i just read this great essay called "Reading Asian American Poetry" by Juliana Chang. Her esssay really helped me think not only about poetry but all art forms created by marginalized people. this is just what i needed to read to get me through one or two more lesson plans. (hopefully i will read something equally wonderful on Saturday so I'll be able to finish by Monday.) Here are my notes on the reading for my lesson plan. there is a definite deconstruction of multiculturalism in this reading that i really appreciate. i want to read more about and from David Palumbo-Liu, who until today i don't think i've ever heard of.

Reading Asian American Poetry by Juliana Chang

-Audre Lorde argues that poetry is not a luxury. “Of all art forms, poetry is the most economical. It is the one which is the most secret, which requires the least physical labor, the least material, and the one which can be done between shifts, in the hospital pantry, on the subway, and on scraps of surplus paper.”

History of Asian American poetry
-Ethnic poetry in the 1960s and 1970s can be viewed as a “racial project” creating links between cultural representation, racial inequity, and racialized empowerment. The late 70s and 80s there was a shift from poetry to prose.

-Asian American poetry dates back to 1890s. Japanese folksong-derived plantations worksongs, Cantonese rhymes in Chinatown, poems carved into the walls of Angel Island.

-Despite the long history of Asian American poetry, it is marginalized by Asian American literary critics and mainstream critics.

How is Asian American poetry is received?
-Poems are considered lyric and private, not public or social even though in the 1960s and 1970s poetry was often oral and performative (public). Chang argues that poetry, not just the novel, can be read as dialogic and heteroglossic (Bhaktin & the novel as genre).

-Rendering poetry as private v. public gives the perception that poetry has less social relevance. The perceived private nature of poetry also makes it seem inaccessible or difficult to comprehend.

-When poetry is perceived as public:
-Artists must deal with the “burden of representation” and the gaze of a white audience.
-Runs the risk of being co-opted by “liberal multiculturalism”. David Palumbo-Liu says that liberal multiculturalism is a “mode of managing a crisis of race, ethnicity, gender, and labor in the First World and its relations with the Third.” Ethnic texts become stand-ins/ proxies for people of color.
-Palumbo-Liu says a critical multiculturalist practice would examine the “rough grains of political history” and its maintenance of inequity.
-Chang writes, “The reader attains the enlightenment of cross-cultural understanding, which s/he imagines as both enabled by and contributing to such a democratic pluralism. Potential social conflicts and tensions are presumably smoothed over in these literary encounters. “

-When poetry by people of color is accepted by mainstream society, then it is seen as a success for high culture. Standards for “good poetry” become universal. The accepted writer transcends race and color; the racial other has been civilized.

(How can Asian American poetry resist being appropriated by hegemonic narratives?)

-Depoliticized poetry is perceived as more authentic than prose. Mainstream readers witness a moment of “cultural authenticity.” Poems that may deal with claiming America are read as wanting to have membership of a white America/ dominant culture.

(How can Asian American writers/ people claim America in a counterhegemonic fashion? “How might we re-vision the United States in ways that interrupt the racist and imperialist ideologies of dominant ‘Americanism’?”)

What does this mean?
-Chang argues, “The project of reading Asian American poetry assumes the significance of ensuring that linguistic and cultural cracks and fissures do not get smoothed over in culturalist readings and containments of dissent.”

-Proposes reading poetry that highlights disruptions of meaning and space (Does this remind you of Bhabha?)

Black Men, Asian Women

I'm a fan of ColorLines magazine but have a hard time digesting an article by Rinku Sen entitled Black men, Asian Women. Sen writes about the growing trend of Asian female/black male relationships. As with most articles that discuss the bodies of Asian American women Sen turns to Darrell Hamamoto* for some words of wisdom. Here is an excerpt: "He [Hamamoto] asserts that the U.S. military draws large numbers of Black men looking for a ladder to the middle class, whose status changes when they go abroad. These men see Asian women as subjects of the American—and, by implication, their own—empire.

“This trend is rooted with American colonialism and occupation. Material and historical forces shape these relationships,”said Hamamoto. “You have three, four, five generations of African-American men who have served oversees in Asia, whose experience with Asian women has been pretty intense in a foreign land where they are treated not as subordinate people but as superior Americans.”

Um okay. First of all, I am so SICK and TIRED of having my body and sex written about. This is not to say that I think articles/ discussions such as these should not be had, I just feel... stuck? i'm not sure what the right word is. Anyway... So when I am already a bit tired of reading about Asian American women's bodies, sex, and relationships it really irks me that hamamoto aka "i want to start an asian american sex revolution to reclaim asian men's sexuality/ reclaim asian women" is talking about this stuff.

So back to Hamamoto's quote. I don't agree that black GIs' status dramatically changes when they go abroad. Even if some Asian people exalt "Americans" there is still a clear understanding that Black is second (or third) class in the U.S. racial order. My dad remembers the black GI who taught English in their Korean classroom as a "nice man." he continued to say that it wasn't until he came to the U.S. that he started stereotyping black people. my dad's conclusion was basically, "American media is full of negative images of black people. when i came to the U.S. then i started thinking bad things about black people. Even now in Korea people look down on black Americans beecause that's what they learn to do from watching American movies." (i do know however that black folks are "in vogue" in some parts of asia)

Plus, that does not explain why Asian American women are CHOOSING to be with black men. Black men can't just make Asian/ Asian American women into the building blocks of their "empire." Yes, military occupation and neo-colonization have led to many War Brides, post-War brides, etc. but what about my generation of U.S.-born APA women who don't need a marriage visa? The Asian Woman/ White Man arguments of women trying to "move up" or wanting to assimilate don't neatly transfer to Asian Woman/ Black Man combo. our internally colonized minds equate white not black with American, prosperous, moving on up, etc.

Sen does briefly mention that perhaps the flipside of the Whoriental aka Dragon Lady is the sexually inexperienced Asian woman who would want to pair herself with "the most sexualized actors in American culture." or perhaps asian women who won't get with a yellow brother (the most asexual actor in American culture) would choose to be the most sexualized actor in American culture.

kate rigg says: "It would be a big turn-on for an Asian girl or guy to be with people who have been more successful in asserting their rights,” said Rigg. “This is a case of like likes like. A Black person is less likely to be as racist as a white person when it comes to dating an Asian girl. And a Black person might not feel as oppressed as they would by a white person in their family structure.”

does a black man turn me on b/c i see him as a big F-you to The Man? probably not, but okay kate rigg. am i turned on by activist men? yes. does black=activist? no. also, i think an asian woman who has the hots for activists would know that asians and asian americans have played an important role in access to rights as well. Lau v Nichols and bilingual education? Wong Kim Ark & citizenship? Property rights in Fujii Sei v State of California? just because we're still taught in a black/white paradigm doesn't mean we don't know our yellow history! j/k... kinda... (interestingly enough, i think most AsAm contributions or contestations were done through the legal system, or at least that method is best documented. that probably reflects on some larger belief on the goodness of the nation-state).

also, i have heard horror stories and of course have my own about Asian daughters w/ black boyfriends, rigg needs to rething her idea that black folks don't feel as oppressed by asian families. i personally don't know any asian women who's parents have opened their homes to black boyfriends. there is definitely a racial-dating hierarchy at play in asian families that is probably different in nature but equally horrific as that in white families.


anyways, i guess what i'm saying is that it is problematic to assume that the power issues in the Asian woman/white man phenomena can be transferred onto asian woman/ black man relationship's (Hamamoto's main argument). or that the near absence of power is what makes these relationships possible (Rigg). are there powers at play? of course? what are they? hey, i'm just here to deconstruct the argument. oh how po-mo of me!

p.s.
I actually like Ross' observation: “I’m not sure that African-American men have been involved in sexual relationships with Asian women in that context any more than white men; it’s just that when African-American men are doing it, it gets noticed more." word.

p.p.s.
just in case you don't know, i'm not one of those women who are like "my love exists in a vacuum and is unaffected by power that is raced/gendered/classed/ etc" i'm not saying this issue is stupid, i just think the arguments resemble swiss cheese.

*Hamamoto is an Asian American Studies Professor at UC Davis. In the late 90s he wrote "The Joy Fuck Club: Prolegomenon to an Asian American Porno Practice." In this article he basically argues that there needs to be an Asian American porn movement to help APA men reclaim their sexual identities (Asian American, not Asian). Pretty interesting article, obviously problematic as well. A few years later he actually directs an Asian American porn called "Skin to Skin" featuring a nervous Korean American neophyte male and a Cambodian-Thai American female porn star. "Master's of the Pillow", a documentary on the filming of this porn tours the film festival circuit along with Hamamoto's DISTURBING short entitled YELLOWCAUST: A Patriot Act? (basically an abridged version of his porn w/ scrolling text abt US imperialism in Asia. come to your own conclusion here. ) When asked at a screeing by an audience member why there was no use of condom's in his porn, Hamamoto answered he made an artistic decision to omit condom use. granted the documentary showed the two getting tested for HIV, but that can take a while to show up. the lack of existing sexual health education in asian american communitities made this particularly disturbing. i'm just scratching the surface here.

Locus Arts

"I Do" For Queer Love

FEATURING:

Danny Nguyen, Humorist
Jennifer Lin, Asian Poster Bride Comedian
"Muni To the Marriage" Short Film by Stuart Gaffney
DJ Toro spinning hip-hop, r&b and old skool classics. and more.

About the Film

"Muni To the Marriage"
February 12, 2004—the day San Francisco made marriage history. A short Muni ride to City Hall suddenly turns partners of 17 years into newlyweds.

During the ride, the filmmaker reflects on the difficulties experienced by his Chinese-American mother and white father more than 50 years ago, who were only able to marry when California’s law against interracial marriage was overturned.

Co-Presented by Harvey Milk Democratic Club and Equality California, SF Chapter
Mar 4, 2006 8:00pm
SPACE180 - 180 Capp Street, 3rd Floor (@17th Street), San Francisco
Admission: $5-7 sliding scale




ON STAGE:

DENIZEN KANE (Typical Cats and I Was Born with Two Tongues, Chicago)
JENRO (San Francisco)
not your average superheroes
with DJ Phatrick on the wheels

hosted by KIWI (Native Guns)

APEX OUT THE BOX is a collaboration with APEX Express (KPFA 94.1FM) and Locus Arts to feature API hip hop artists on the air AND onstage in the community. Tune in every FIRST Thursday of the month from 7-8pm to catch APEX's API Hip Hop program with host KIWI.

Mar 10, 2006 9:00pm
SPACE180 - 180 Capp Street, 3rd Floor (@17th Street), San Francisco
Admission: $7-10 sliding scale