Are you there God? It's me, Amy. + Awesome youth

in the midst of my craziness the past... oh say... six years? i decided at the last minute to cancel my weekend plans and attend a retreat with the graduate student fellowship.

this is my second church retreat-- the first was one i was 8 or something. anyway, i went because all my life i have felt distance from God. for the most part i grew up in a church but i never felt the way other people seemd to feel or even knew the Bible all too well. since i started college and became more and more passionate about doing work in social justice, there has been huge tension between my faith in God and my passion for work. the amount of passion and convinction i feel in my work ('used in general terms, not just my paid work) i have never felt in God. this never sat well with me, but never bothered me enough to really do anything about it.

last year i joined a women's small group in my church, in hopes to find a community of Christians who would help me strengthen my faith. the women in my small group are wonderful, but sometimes i would feel this disconnect. my life is experienced through a gendered, raced, and classed lens. because of this, when i share my thoughts, feelings, or concerns that are filtered throug this lens, i felt like sometimes people wouldn't know what i was quite talking about, thought i was "too much" something, and/or i was asked to explain. many times i tone down what i would normally say to soften the blow. once i said something about learning to work w/ white allies and i think some people thought i was racist. always accommodating. so frustrating. so voiceless.

the contemporary western Christian church does seem to care about social justice issues. however, i feel like it is usually addressed at a global level (poverty or AIDS in other countries). if it is domestic, it seems to be incidental (Katrina) or a form of class inequity (homelessness). a part of me cannot help but feel like this is a sanitary, non-threatening way to addresses issues of equity. like someone else' country is messed up, not ours. or there is a failure to interrogate the intersections of power, ESPECIALLY race/ ethnicity, which lead to inequity. a lot of these sorts of thougths keep me from feeling at home in a community of Christians.

ironically, what pushes me away from God is what also draws me to Him; the Bible has a very strong message about justice and love. i feel very strongly that i am put on this earth purposefully to be working with people who live on the margins. so this is a small part of what draws me back and makes me long for a solid faith.

i went on this retreat and again there was this tension. it was on my mind the whole time. many of the grad students are in mathy/ sciencey/ computery fields. there are some grad students who are in fields i would guess would make them progressive, but they say stuff that is slightly shocking. and then bc this is UC Berkeley and b/c this is a GRADUATE student fellowship, many ppl come from privleged, privleged backgrounds. so many times i felt displaced and alienated from people simply b/c i could not identify (in my car was the daughter of a mathematician,the son of a dean of engineering, and the sone of someone else equally impressive. they were talking about how their parents professions influenced their learning/ careers. i was like... okay... how can i relate to this when my mom went up to junior high?). other times ppl said stuff that totally pissed me off and made me feel like i had to go into my "working class, woman of color, educator mode". the blessing was that i also saw glimpses into ppl who care about injustice. their work may be in physics or astronomy or electrical engineering, but they do think about things i care about. the bigger blessing was that i was able to start seeing people as what they are, rather than what they are not.

did i witness a miracle? am i now w/out hesitation and fear able to proclaim to people that i am Christian? definitely not. but i am rethinking, rearranging things in my mind, which is always good. i think i learned that being a Christian does not demand that i be complacent. in fact, it demands the very opposite. after the retreat i went to church today and the sermon was about just that. the connection and oneness between worshiping God and human relationships.
click here and then on the 9/10 sermon to listen it was very relevant to me.




awesome youth
today i had my first meeting w/ the youth who are interested in helping me start an APA youth program in Richmond. i'm so pleased with them. excited to start. scared as well.

Breathe

disclaimer: this is me unloading about my job... sorry. it is also slightly incoherent.

right now at work i've been trying to get set up at my high schools. finding space, requesting transcripts, hiring interns, training interns, getting materials, planning, etc. i haven't even started working with my students yet and i'm pooped!

this will be my first year simply working. my first two years as a "professional" were shared with being a graduate student. although i was crazy and busy all the time, i cut myself some slack at my job and at school. i did the best that i could understand the circumstances i was presented. even though i think i did a pretty good job at both, i definitely have small regrets. being the perfectionist i am, i end up being really hard on myself. i think. (sometimes i think i'm hard on myself and other times people tell me, "um yeah, you think?") anyways, now that i'm "just" working, i have no excuses to not kickass at my job. that is very very scary.

most people know, i'm not too happy with my job. this year i'm trying to make my job more rewarding by creating opportunities for work that goes beyond the traditional scope of college access. one idea i have is this super-ambitious (but def kick ass) leadership retreat. will it be funded? maybe. right now i'm trying to make it fit into meeting our "goals" and our "outcomes." blech. even if it is funded a part of me thinks i shouldn't do it. i'm projecting a weekend in early January for the retreat. this means that college apps are dues Nov 30th so i would be doing college apps while i plan for this retreat, i would begin admissions "reading" first week of december (work 50 hour weeks through february), train my seniors in facilitation skills in december, take a small vacation in december, have the retreat january, start planning for southern california trip in mid-january. and all this time, still go to schools 4 days a week... i really want to do this retreat but know i will be super duper tired and worn out. why is it that when you come up w/ a good idea it just means more work? mediocrity is totally rewarded...

another thing i'm trying to do to make my job more rewarding is by recontextualizing my work into the larger history of public education. we had a training today w/ our interns and i did a facilitation on this topic. i def made some mistakes in my facilitation and need to improve on those skills but i feel like the interns were engaged, participated, learned some new information, and maybe felt a little bit more grounded in their work in education. they thought about how all of these court cases and propositions inform our work with students and schools. overall, it felt incredibly awkward doing this facilitation because it is atypical of our intern trainings-- our org definitely utilizes banking pedagogy and we RARELY talk about anything related to education that lives outside the realm of college access (even though its' def interconnected right?).

i felt nervous and scared because i took up all of this time doing something that is important to me, but i feel like is not valued in our program. i wasn't sure how the other staff would receive it. i felt like the interns were engaged but i couldn't read the professional staff. at some points i rushed and cut people off because it almost felt inappropriate to do this facilitation (even though it is DEF appropriate). its so interesting how your audience and place changes your facilitation. i feel comfortable as a facilitator in my undergrad/ grad classes, with my students at the schools but not with my coworkers. what sucks is that our director comes from a background of popular education. in her job now, she doesn't utilize that approach (i have no idea why). so today i had this paranoia that she was critiquing my approach, even though she never practices a similar method. in a nutshell? sometimes i feel suffocated at work. i feel myself becoming a drone and am trying to fight against it but am not sure the program and my coworkers have the capicity to support me in this. and i'm not sure i have the confidence, experience, or ability to change things.

which brings me onto my fledgling youth program... as of now, unnamed. this is my attempt to do something that i cannot do w/in the constraints of my job. so far? the only update i have is that we (me, plus 3 youth) have our first planning meeting on sunday!!!! yay!!! excited as i am, i'm superscared about this venture. i have no experience doing stuff like this... in fact, i'm so scared that i will probably never talk about this program again on my blog, for fear of public failure... i'm serioius.


so what is my point? why did i write this long, incoherent blog entry?
1. nothing in my life makes sense right now. thus i am incoherent.
2. i dont give myself time to reflect so i have to write it all out
3. it's my blog i can talk about whatever i want

CRAP! i'm a lefty so when i write w/ marker (like i did today) i get marker on my left hand. i just left a pink spot on my white laptop. ARGH !!!!!


oh yes. i'm also dealing with (ongoing ... for a very long time) trying to find a strong faith in God. i'm not going to blog about this. again, for fear of public failure. *sigh*

Depression

I pray for strength, patience, diligence, love, compassion and wisdom.

Again.

“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”

To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.

In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.

Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.

Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.

A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.

Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.


Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).

-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.

-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).

-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.

- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.