Monday, July 31, 2006
I called 4 APA/ Korean American community health agencies in Oakland today looking for Korean-language literature on depression and suicide. Only one of these spots has literature. Unfortunately, they won't share it unless the person who needs the info makes an appointment, does an intake, and is serviced. :( What a sad indication of their funding! None of these other places were able to help me out. If you know of a Korean-language website that has accurate information on depression, please let me know.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Addiction
A week ago I decided it was time for our relationship to end. Eight days later, I feel like shit.
As each day passes, it is harder and harder to wake up without you. Going to work every morning without the taste of you on my lips is hell. I won't lie, nothing can replace you. I try to satisfy myself with poor substitutes. My body and mind has shut down. It's so hard staying strong when I know that I can have you any time of the day. I must keep reminding myself that you are not for me. I was so dependent on you-- needing you at least once a day, sometimes I was so bad that I demanded you four times a day. *sigh* I swear to you Coffee, if I can hold out for another week, I know I will be through with you.
As each day passes, it is harder and harder to wake up without you. Going to work every morning without the taste of you on my lips is hell. I won't lie, nothing can replace you. I try to satisfy myself with poor substitutes. My body and mind has shut down. It's so hard staying strong when I know that I can have you any time of the day. I must keep reminding myself that you are not for me. I was so dependent on you-- needing you at least once a day, sometimes I was so bad that I demanded you four times a day. *sigh* I swear to you Coffee, if I can hold out for another week, I know I will be through with you.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
J-5
Last night I went to see X-Clan and Jurassic 5 at the Fillmore. The audience was the whitest audience I have ever seen at a hip hop show. Every show I have been to white folks have been probably been the majority. Last night, however, the place was lily white.
When X-Clan opened, I could not stop looking at the audience. There were couples doing some serious bumping and grinding to songs like “Raise the Flag” and “Xodus” What must it be like to be militant and Afrocentric and perform to an audience with only a sprinkling of black folks? How/ Does the performance change when your audience changes?
Anyways, here are some other, non-related comments about the show:
-I love Chali 2na
-I hate when people can’t control their highs in public places
-I saw this nasty couple who were literally digging their fingers into each other’s butt cracks
-I love my poster
When X-Clan opened, I could not stop looking at the audience. There were couples doing some serious bumping and grinding to songs like “Raise the Flag” and “Xodus” What must it be like to be militant and Afrocentric and perform to an audience with only a sprinkling of black folks? How/ Does the performance change when your audience changes?
Anyways, here are some other, non-related comments about the show:
-I love Chali 2na
-I hate when people can’t control their highs in public places
-I saw this nasty couple who were literally digging their fingers into each other’s butt cracks
-I love my poster
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Depression
I pray for strength, patience, diligence, love, compassion and wisdom.
Again.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”
To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.
In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.
Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.
Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.
A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.
Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.
Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).
-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.
-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).
-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.
- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.
Again.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself; I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends… I wouldn’t mind if something happened to me though.”
To hear how someone you love has over and over again contemplated death at her own hands is painful. To know the detailed ways that she has contemplated doing so numbs the mind and the heart.
In the past year and a half severe depression has affected someone I love and as affected myself. For the most part my depression has passed. I remember those mornings after taking a sleeping pill to sedate myself. I did not want to live, but I did not want to kill myself. I didn’t contemplate taking all my pills or walking over to the bridge. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings were wretched. I felt swallowed by bed, my limbs and head felt like they had melted into my mattress. My entire face felt sore like I had been punched in the face the night before. I remember thinking that I was going to die.
Those were my worst moments. I had only a few of those. My work and school suffered a little bit but for the most part I was still able to focus. I actually welcomed the distraction of my students and my books. My depression was not debilitating and was treated by a few months of therapy. I’ve had a few bad days since the fall, but they are caused by severely stressful situations. My bad days do not come unannounced.
Yesterday was a bad day for someone I love. Her depression has been treated by drugs and therapy. Her depression prevents her from working or going to school. Her depression leads to suicidal thoughts and moments of feeling like a “ghost”. I don’t know what it’s like to have those kind of bad days.
A year and a half ago when she told me she thought about killing herself I cried everyday. We fought because she didn’t understand why I cried when she talked about killing herself. She just wanted me to listen, not react. Today, we have a better understanding of each other but it does not make it easier when she tells me she often thinks of the bridge-- last year it was car accidents and sleeping pills.
Lord, thank you for giving herself enough will to live to check herself in.
Some points on APAs and Depression/ Suicide
-Asian American women 15-24 and Asian Americans over 65 have the highest suicide rate of any ethnic group (CDC 2001).
-Mental health issues and its complexities in the Asian American community are intricately linked to issues of cultural tension, immigration, access to resources, language, and native cultural values. These attributes not only affect the high rate of depression and suicide rates amonn APAs but also the fact that APAs are less likely than whites to seek help for mental health problems (NLAAS, 2003). When help is sought, treatment is also complicated by cultural disconnects. (My therapist made many wonderful suggestions that were horribly culturally insensitive. Sometimes I would have to laugh at her suggestions.) Obviously, some of these issues may concern particular generations in a different manner.
-Second generation APAs are more likely than APA immigrants to have emotional disorders (not really quite sure how reliable that is though b/c I also think that there is a higher likelihood of underreporting for immigrants).
-The National Asian Women’s Health Organization (NAWHO) reports that “intimate partner violence is believed to be the single most important precipitant for female suicide attempts in the country.” Additionally, NAWHO found that low self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of control over one’s life puts women at risk of depression.
- Depression is real. It is not merely the inability to cope with stress or hardship. It is not a character flaw, an indication of weakness or lack of willpower. It is not shameful.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
claim that shit
this summer is horrible. i am having a lot of trouble with my students. i'm trying to think of a pep-talk aka "education has been and continues to be systematically witheld from people of color so you better understand that you need to go and CLAIM your fucking education b/c nobody is going to hand that to you" w/out supporting the myth of meritocracy... plus i want them to understand what i mean by "claiming" their education and what i mean by "education" sigh.. this gets so complicated. tomorrow we're supposed to talk to our students about our college experience ("ask me about my alma mater day") but i think i'm going to talk about why i care that they go to college and why i do the work that i do.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
failing my students
Frustration. That was my key word for today.
Some of my students are doing very well in our summer program and others… well not so much. I feel like I am hitting a wall with some of my students. Today i felt myself getting very short with some of them and not uplifting them.
About a third of my students are on the brink of failing one or more classes. Sometimes it is because they lack the skills-- it’s very difficult to try and make up for 10 years of poor education in 6 weeks. Other times it is because they lack resources. This year we are trying out Berkeley’s online community (similar to blackboard). Some of them do not have a computer, printer, or internet. BUT this is not a good excuse. They are on campus 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. Our office is always open and staffed, internet is on campus, and I bring my laptop to homeroom so students can type or use the internet. Sometimes they lack time. They work in the morning before coming to class and go to practice after class so they can’t utilize office hours to the fullest extent. Other times they just don’t care. They have the resources and time at the very least but still don’t post their questions online. They don’t read directions and miss a point by not initialing their math quiz. They have an hour for lunch but don’t go to office hours. But I don’t think they totally don’t care. They still come everyday to the program. Something is missing.
One thought is that they have difficulty transferring knowledge. The geometry class can use old quizzes, notes, and homework on their daily quizzes. My students have pretty decent homework grades. They show their work etc. However, they don’t seem to know HOW to refer to their notes and find a similar problem and utilize the same method for their quiz problem. I know that this is only one small element of a larger issue.
So yes, one frustration is my students. The other? The staff!
Every week the advisors (like me) get a weekly progress report on the status of the students. Our role as advisors is to facilitate tutoring, provide college-advising workshops, and share weekly progress reports with our students. Although this can be a great support network for students, it can also backfire. Some of our instructors seem to think that having advisors share weekly progress reports means that they (the instructors) don’t need to have conversations w/ the students regarding progress, effort, attitude, etc. It doesn’t really help if I tell students that their teacher said XYZ about them when the teacher has never talked about the issue with the students. When I ask teachers to talk to the student before I check in with the student, they often agree but fail to follow up.
So, when I sit in our weekly staff meetings and see the frustration building among teachers a part of me is not sympathetic, esp with those who do not follow-up with students. To be fair, some teachers do work with the students and they still fall behind. Even then, older teachers talk about how in previous years students were much stronger. I made it pretty damn clear who my students are, what their regular school is like. I KNOW my students are the ones who are struggling the most. Going to school in Richmond is no joke. It is under-resourced, overshadowed by Oakland USD, and overlooked. I did not hide that fact from anyone. This school is no joke. Some of the teachers do not assign homework b/c they believe the students won’t do it.
Our program’s student population is changing. Structurally we need to change our program to address the population or else we will fail our students. I have many ideas on this but know none of them will be implemented… I hate the politics of education.
As I said in the beginning I feel like i'm failing my students. At the end of my day I asked myself, Who am I giving up on? I wrote down their names, wrote 3 encouraging actions they have taken to remind myself (and also them) of some indication that they care to be at our program. Students, I am recommitting myself to you.
Some of my students are doing very well in our summer program and others… well not so much. I feel like I am hitting a wall with some of my students. Today i felt myself getting very short with some of them and not uplifting them.
About a third of my students are on the brink of failing one or more classes. Sometimes it is because they lack the skills-- it’s very difficult to try and make up for 10 years of poor education in 6 weeks. Other times it is because they lack resources. This year we are trying out Berkeley’s online community (similar to blackboard). Some of them do not have a computer, printer, or internet. BUT this is not a good excuse. They are on campus 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. Our office is always open and staffed, internet is on campus, and I bring my laptop to homeroom so students can type or use the internet. Sometimes they lack time. They work in the morning before coming to class and go to practice after class so they can’t utilize office hours to the fullest extent. Other times they just don’t care. They have the resources and time at the very least but still don’t post their questions online. They don’t read directions and miss a point by not initialing their math quiz. They have an hour for lunch but don’t go to office hours. But I don’t think they totally don’t care. They still come everyday to the program. Something is missing.
One thought is that they have difficulty transferring knowledge. The geometry class can use old quizzes, notes, and homework on their daily quizzes. My students have pretty decent homework grades. They show their work etc. However, they don’t seem to know HOW to refer to their notes and find a similar problem and utilize the same method for their quiz problem. I know that this is only one small element of a larger issue.
So yes, one frustration is my students. The other? The staff!
Every week the advisors (like me) get a weekly progress report on the status of the students. Our role as advisors is to facilitate tutoring, provide college-advising workshops, and share weekly progress reports with our students. Although this can be a great support network for students, it can also backfire. Some of our instructors seem to think that having advisors share weekly progress reports means that they (the instructors) don’t need to have conversations w/ the students regarding progress, effort, attitude, etc. It doesn’t really help if I tell students that their teacher said XYZ about them when the teacher has never talked about the issue with the students. When I ask teachers to talk to the student before I check in with the student, they often agree but fail to follow up.
So, when I sit in our weekly staff meetings and see the frustration building among teachers a part of me is not sympathetic, esp with those who do not follow-up with students. To be fair, some teachers do work with the students and they still fall behind. Even then, older teachers talk about how in previous years students were much stronger. I made it pretty damn clear who my students are, what their regular school is like. I KNOW my students are the ones who are struggling the most. Going to school in Richmond is no joke. It is under-resourced, overshadowed by Oakland USD, and overlooked. I did not hide that fact from anyone. This school is no joke. Some of the teachers do not assign homework b/c they believe the students won’t do it.
Our program’s student population is changing. Structurally we need to change our program to address the population or else we will fail our students. I have many ideas on this but know none of them will be implemented… I hate the politics of education.
As I said in the beginning I feel like i'm failing my students. At the end of my day I asked myself, Who am I giving up on? I wrote down their names, wrote 3 encouraging actions they have taken to remind myself (and also them) of some indication that they care to be at our program. Students, I am recommitting myself to you.
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